Wow. When we let God heal, it's amazing how quickly we can experience it. Since letting go of so much that I thought I couldn't, God has filled the void with so many blessings -- new opportunities, new friends, deeper relationships with old friends, and deeper relationships with my husband and family.
My new church is gradually becoming simply MY church. That is, I have allowed myself to be accepted into this community and now feel that I am truly part of it. Today some friends and my husband visited my church. I wanted to be a good host and hoped that they had as good an experience as I did. It was as if I was hosting a visit to my house, my home. It felt good to hear them say good things about my church, because I so wanted them to be welcomed into it.
I've had to humble myself and accept that I'm not a big fish in a small pond. I'm in a bigger pond, and I'm a much smaller fish in it. That's OK. There's still a lot to learn, and I certainly don't need to experience another meteoric rise and fall. I'll do what I've been called to do -- tend to the altar, sing, read, assist in Communion -- and be a good host to those who visit.
I'd like to revise something I told Fr. Y and my friends. I had said that I wouldn't let anyone get in the way of what God's called me to do. That's not correct. Here's what I should have said: God won't let anyone or anything get in the way of what He's called me to do.
As with everything else: if it is of God, it will be a success. If not, then it won't.
I hope that the time will come when true reconciliation will happen with some members of my old church. But I also have to accept that it might not happen until we meet in the presence of God in Heaven. My decision is to forgive -- them and myself. Feelings come and go -- but this decision is here to stay.