So, Here's What I Think...

Maundy Thursday 2011

2011-04-20T23:21:00.008-05:00

Maundy Thursday, also called Holy Thursday, is the commemoration of Jesus' Last Supper with his disciples. It is the event that we remember when we participate in the Eucharist, or Holy Communion.

The Revised Common Lectionary includes 1 Corinthians 11:23-26 in the appointed readings:

23 For I received from the Lord what I also handed on to you, that the Lord Jesus on the night when he was betrayed took a loaf of bread, 24and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, ‘This is my body that is for* you. Do this in remembrance of me.’ 25In the same way he took the cup also, after supper, saying, ‘This cup is the new covenant in my blood. Do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of me.’ 26For as often as you eat this bread and drink the cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death until he comes.

The Episcopal Lectionary, which The Episcopal Church has replaced with the RCL, also included verses 27-32 as an option:

27 Whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be answerable for the body and blood of the Lord. 28Examine yourselves, and only then eat of the bread and drink of the cup. 29For all who eat and drink* without discerning the body,* eat and drink judgment against themselves. 30For this reason many of you are weak and ill, and some have died.* 31But if we judged ourselves, we would not be judged. 32But when we are judged by the Lord, we are disciplined* so that we may not be condemned along with the world.

I wish those verses had remained in the reading, at least as an option. They tell us that with Communion comes responsibility and accountability. We cannot simply take in Christ’s Body and Blood as some kind of spiritual fuel. We need to be aware of the state of our minds and hearts if we choose to bind ourselves to Christ. Pretending to be part of Christ, by receiving Communion in an unworthy manner, is something we do at our own peril.

The Disciplinary Rubrics of the Episcopal Book of Common Prayer (1979) address this matter in their instructions to priests concerning Communion. We laypeople should be aware of these rubrics and use them as a guide to discern the state of our spiritual readiness for Communion.

If the priest knows that a person who is living a notoriously evil life intends to come to Communion, the priest shall speak to that person privately, and tell him that he may not come to the Holy Table until he has given clear proof of repentance and amendment of life.

The priest shall follow the same procedure with those who have done wrong to their neighbors and are a scandal to the other members of the congregation, not allowing such persons to receive Communion until they have made restitution for the wrong they have done, or have at least promised to do so.

When the priest sees that there is hatred between members of the congregation, he shall speak privately to them, telling them that they may not receive Communion until they have forgiven each other.

And if the person or persons on one side truly forgive the others and desire and promise to make up for their faults, but those on the other side refuse to forgive, the priest shall allow those who are penitent to come to Communion, but not those who are stubborn.

In all such cases, the priest is required to notify the bishop, within fourteen days at the most, giving the reasons for refusing Communion.

As I stated before, I wish the additional verses in the reading from Corinthians had not been removed. We have a responsibility, when we take in Christ himself in the form of spiritual food and drink, to truly desire to follow him. We show that desire by living in accord with our neighbors and being truly repentant when we have wronged God, our neighbors and ourselves.

Hmmm...

2010-11-15T11:07:00.003-06:00

Veiled from head to toe
A gauzy film covering my eyes
No one sees me,
And I can't see them.
(See clearly, that is.)
It doesn't matter if the sky is clear
Or if the clouds are out
It's all the same gray.

What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done, and there is nothing new under the sun.

2010-10-03T16:32:00.006-05:00

The verse is Ecclesiastes 1:9.

Reflecting upon our parish stewardship efforts has led me to these conclusions:
- It's not just about money, but how money is spent reflects what's important.
- We have bills to pay and outreach to accomplish and both require money.
- Time and talent are also important aspects of participating in the life of the parish.
*** Get my relationship with God right, and everything else -- including my relationships with other people -- will fall into place. ***

Ever feel like the message is the same, just presented in different ways?

I'm not saying it's not necessary to hear it over and over (I know better!). Just find it interesting that for all our so-called maturity, intellect and knowledge, it is necessary to hear the same message over and over.

New Year, New Beginnings

2010-08-21T22:56:00.004-05:00

Well, it's been a while since we last chatted. Big changes have happened since then which have kept me hopping. The biggest one is that I got a new teaching job. It's a Pre-K position at Trinity Christian Preschool. I have a foot in both worlds -- day care and teaching, since I work at a preschool, so I don't have the planning time most teachers do, but it's TEACHING, and I'm so excited about that! Got the classroom organized and decorated a bit this morning and lesson plans written, just a few more supplies to gather and I'm good to go for week one!

The fall begins a new school year, and as such, has some similarities to the actual new year that happens in January. We move from the leisurely chaos of summer to the more structured "vibe" of the new academic year, whether we actually work in education or not.

I did a lot of organizing in my new classroom. I went through the shelves and disposed of a great deal of junk. We teachers are notorious pack rats. We're always thinking, "This might be good for an activity." So there are lots of paper scraps, odd, broken containers, games with missing pieces, and so forth that accumulate in a classroom over time.

The other big change is that my choir director from my old church took the directing position at my present church, St. George Episcopal. (I've decided to go ahead and name my present church, as I'm no longer in such a sensitive situation such as that with my old church -- which shall remain unnamed.) The music program has blossomed under his leadership and nurturing. We're singing more challenging pieces and the music seems to be resonating with the congregation. It's good to know that our efforts are helping bring people closer to God.

Grandson S, is growing in -- literally -- leaps and bounds. Almost 3, he is an imaginative chatterbox, who will strike up a conversation with anyone. He begins preschool this week, so we're very glad that he'll be present for the Blessing of the Backpacks at church this Sunday. Can't believe we had to buy school supplies for the boy. Seems like yesterday that he was just a little baby! The little man recently got his own bedroom. He's so proud of his room and his big boy bed. It's decked out in Toy Story, Cars (the Disney movie) and all the things a little boy loves -- tools, cars, bunnies, kitties, dragons...

The time passes so fast. I want to spend as much time as I can in these moments.

Along with the new year, there has been a little of the bittersweet as I clean out the junk here at home. Going through reams of paper, I found printed copies of email from Fr. X, from when he was my spiritual director. So much good conversation about the spiritual nature of things, the Church, and just stuff. I felt a twinge of sadness that it all fell apart. It seemed so avoidable. After acknowledging the feeling, I gathered the old papers and tossed them in the trash. Letting go has been a process. Disposing of those found notes was another step.

Still trying to get my bearings on the new job. It's definitely a new adventure every day!

Blessings,
E

Insanity is...

2010-06-04T11:39:00.003-05:00

...doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

I love the Seinfeld episode that illustrates this saying: The Opposite.

Here's a clip.

So here's to Opposite Day! Hear, hear!

2010-05-30T20:02:00.005-05:00

My goodness! I can't leave May with only one lonely blog entry! So here's another one to keep the first one company.

Some years ago, I wrote quite a bit of poetry. I was even a member of a monthly poetry group. Lots of painful stuff happened then, and pain can be quite the muse for poetry, and writing in general.

Today, I felt inspired to write a poem. Nothing particularly painful happened, rather, more of a wistful wondering, based on a chance encounter with a neighbor. It's a first draft, so likely it'll go through a few revisions before I feel like it's done. But here goes:

"Sunflowers"

Looking over the fence today,
A neighbor was working in his yard.
Not much different from my own
Tending the lawn,
Separating the despised weeds
From the soft, green grass.

As I watered my grass,
I noticed a tall bunch of sunflowers
Growing in the corner of my neighbor's yard.
Lovely plants -- they reminded me of the blooms
I once received as a gift.
So, so tall --
The bright flowers rose higher than the fence.

Then I realized what my neighbor was doing.
The flowers disappeared, a few at a time.
I heard the sound of cutting,
And I knew that these were not to be kept.
They were counted among the weeds,
A nuisance, something to be rid of.

I wondered why he would choose to dispose of them.
They chose his yard to grow in --
So fortunate -- to have such pretty flowers
Without even trying.
Was there something in their beautiful wildness
That he was afraid to keep?

It was a shame to waste something so lovely.
I thought I should ask for a few cuttings to keep in my yard.
But good manners averted such presumption.

So sadly I spied the corner again.
No longer did the yellow blossoms smile upon me.
I wondered why I spent so much time caring for something that didn't belong
When God's beautiful provision was cast aside.

(end of poem -- for now)

Just wondering...you know?

Happy Eastertide! Happy Mothers' Day! And Some Random Thoughts

2010-05-09T14:03:00.006-05:00

Lots of hanging with the family, but I thought I'd check in here while I have the chance.

I hope you are all having a most blessed Eastertide, and to the moms (in whatever form that takes): Happy Mothers' Day!

To celebrate, we're going out to dinner at a local Brazilian steakhouse. Gaucho waiters with spears of delectable meats. Can you say, "Mmmm! Mmmm!"?

Now for the random musing: If you've read the previous entries, you know that I had a tumultuous leave-taking from my old church. Thankfully, things have settled down and life has been relatively drama-free for almost a year now.

Today I met with Fr. Y and another parishioner regarding the leadership of a lay ministry. One thing that struck me was Fr. Y's expectation that participants in this ministry be regular attenders of our church. That is, attending on the days other than the ones in which they would serve. That sounded quite reasonable, and I said so in our conversation.

Now, the reason this stood out for me is that in the midst of my discernment (which, in hindsight, was what was happening), I had stopped being a regular attender of my old church. Granted, I didn't miss many Sundays, but even the ones in which I was physically present, my heart was no longer there.

I said that to say this: Perhaps Fr. X at my old church was not so out of line to remove me from certain ministries. However -- and this is a big however -- it could have been handled so much more sensitively at a pastoral level. It was such an emotionally charged situation -- with not only a pastoral relationship, but a personal friendship at stake. Things were said that never should have been said, and unfortunately, neither relationship was strong enough to weather the crisis.

These thoughts come up because of the scars that are still present from the experience. But it's not a consuming thing, and the quiet I now have in my life is so very welcome.

This verse from the Bible speaks to me:

I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you. Joel 2:25 ESV

God is restoring so much in my life in the Church. Over the past several years, He has restored much in my personal life. God is so good. I give thanks to Him.

Alleluia! Alleluia!

Lent is nearly over -- a favorite Holy Week Hymn

2010-04-03T06:35:00.006-05:00

O Sacred Head, Sore Wounded

O sacred head, sore wounded,
defiled and put to scorn;
O kingly head surrounded
with mocking crown of thorn:
What sorrow mars thy grandeur?
Can death thy bloom deflower?
O countenance whose splendor
the hosts of heaven adore!

Thy beauty, long-desirèd,
hath vanished from our sight;
thy power is all expirèd,
and quenched the light of light.
Ah me! for whom thou diest,
hide not so far thy grace:
show me, O Love most highest,
the brightness of thy face.

In thy most bitter passion
my heart to share doth cry,
with thee for my salvation
upon the cross to die.
Ah, keep my heart thus moved
to stand thy cross beneath,
to mourn thee, well-beloved,
yet thank thee for thy death.

What language shall I borrow
to thank Thee, dearest friend,
For this Thy dying sorrow,
Thy pity without end?
O make me Thine forever,
and should I fainting be,
Lord, let me never, never
outlive my love to Thee.

My days are few, O fail not,
with thine immortal power,
to hold me that I quail not
in death's most fearful hour;
that I may fight befriended,
and see in my last strife
to me thine arms extended
upon the cross of life.

Maundy Thursday

2010-04-02T07:58:00.005-05:00

Maundy Thursday -- the Catholics refer to it as Holy Thursday, but we Episcopalians use the word, "maundy" (coming from a Latin word meaning mandate or command) to emphasize the commandment given by Jesus to his disciples: "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” (John 13:34-35)

This service has a reenactment of Jesus washing the disciples' feet. At a certain point in the service, the priests removed their stoles and washed the feet of any person who came up to them. My church has a nice twist to that -- at the end, the Lay Eucharistic Ministers (lay assistants at the altar) then exchanged places with the priests and washed their feet -- showing that we are all to love and serve one another as Christ. This was the first year I didn't go up for the foot washing. Instead, I felt I needed to serve by remaining in the loft and singing.

This summary doesn't do the night justice. It was all so moving. After the Eucharist (communion), we prayed and the choir sang "Stay with Me," a Taize chant-like song. As the song faded, the priests and LEMs stripped the altar as I read Psalm 22, which foreshadows Jesus' physical, mental and emotional suffering and death. I know this psalm well, for it so vividly describes the feelings of despair. I believe anyone who has experienced clinical depression has probably been in the psalmist's space, and believed, "But as for me, I am a worm and no man, scorned by all and despised by the people."

The service ended in silence. There was no concluding prayer, for we were to continue our vigil and prayers until Good Friday, which we know seemed anything but good at the time. We're so blessed now to know how the story ends...and continues.

"Once Again" by Switchfoot

On Liturgy

2010-03-28T15:51:00.006-05:00

As an Episcopalian, I am a member of a liturgical church. "Liturgy," or "work of the people", consists of the rituals we use in worship to bring others and ourselves closer to God. Liturgy, as the definition implies, is an interactive form of worship. Perhaps that is why I lean so much towards it. Liturgy involves most of the senses (all, if you include incense), and incorporates movement in the form of standing, sitting, and kneeling. We sing, pray silently and aloud, and respond verbally to prompts in the service.

In liturgical style, I prefer "High Church," or liturgy rich in vestments, sounds, sacred music, candles and incense. Some people refer to it as "smells and bells". I find that when done well, a High Church liturgy can bring me closest to experiencing the wonder and majesty of God. That's not to say that "Low Church", a simpler form of liturgy, or "Broad Church", which tries to blend aspects of High and Low Church, can't bring people closer to the divine. It's just that to me, anyway, it's like looking at the familial aspect of our relationship with God. That's important, but it seems that we have emphasized that familial relationship so much that God has become familiar, instead of the Creator of the Universe that deserves our awe and reverence, as well as our love. Be that as it may, High, Low or Broad, it's important that we care enough to do liturgy well. Otherwise it's just a bumbling, unworthy display instead of a fitting offering to God.

Does that mean we'll do it perfectly every time? Of course not! We're simply fallible humans who will bumble at times. But we have to put out the effort. Also, when we do slip up, it's best to simply stop, acknowledge the mistake briefly (if necessary) and then, move on.

Peter D. Robinson, a bishop in the United Episcopal Church (not to be confused with The Episcopal Church, to which I belong), say this about liturgy in his blog, "The Old High Churchman":

"I would also note that we should always celebrate the liturgy with dignity and reverence, preferring a modest service done well to an elaborate one done badly. Reverence is caught, not taught. If our services are slovenly, then we should not be surprised if the people do not value the liturgy as they should."

Exactly.

Have a most blessed Holy Week. May you experience Christ's Passion and Resurrection fully in this journey towards Easter.

Reconcile? Who, me?

2010-03-15T20:47:00.003-05:00

I've been mulling over Fr. Z's sermon about reconciliation. There are relationships that I wish could be reconciled, but I am so unsure about the other person's openness to reconciliation.

The books and articles I've read about forgiveness almost all say that sometimes reconciliation just isn't possible. So I wonder, how do I reconcile with another person when I don't even know if the other person wants to reconcile? What would a reconciled relationship look like? It certainly can't return to the old, unhealthy status quo. And I know it's not merely tolerance of the other person's presence in the world.

I puzzled over this for a while when an idea occurred to me: I can't control the other person's desire to reconcile. This is something that I can't work on or make happen. God is the reconciler; Jesus, the mediator. The best I can do is to forgive -- truly forgive -- the other person. Then, be open to God's reconciling work.

As I've often heard, we can only work on ourselves; and then only with God's help. I can allow God to mold me into the woman he wants me to be, and let Him be in charge of the reconciliation. I'm guessing that's my part in what St. Paul calls "the ministry of reconciliation."

Well, that's my stab at it. Of course, I could be wrong.

Blessings to you,
E

Notes from Today's Sermon by Fr. Z. -- Luke 15:25-32

2010-03-14T20:50:00.007-05:00

Wow. Just. Wow.

I love a sermon that makes me think, that adds something new to the store of knowledge I carry. Most sermons are good in the sense that they are reminders of things I already know, but forget. This one was powerful because it added more depth to a familiar story. I had a different interpretation in my last blog entry.

The familiar story is usually known as the Parable of the Prodigal Son. You know, the younger son demands his share of the inheritance, blows it, returns home humbled, and his father takes him back with great celebration. The older son is angry because his no-good brother is welcomed home without any reproach while he slaves along, unappreciated. The father tells the older brother that "all that is mine is yours."

Here's what I got from today's sermon:

Reconciliation -- implies that something is not right, something needs to be fixed. Think about reconciling your checkbook and finding that you're two cents off.

The church, filled with imperfect people, offers us ample opportunities to practice the ministry of reconciliation.

Reconciliation at the human level is limited and imperfect because we are limited and imperfect. True reconciliation goes beyond tolerance or getting along. Reconciliation is like a mediated settlement, but we (humans) are not the mediators, nor do we determine the terms of the settlement.

This story could be renamed "The Parable of the Lost Sons". Both sons disrespected their father, who initiates reconciliation.

The younger son basically tells his father, "If you won't hurry up and die, then at least give me my stuff so I can have fun with it." The outrageous thing is the father's response. He doesn't tell his son to get out (get the (expletive) out, is probably how I might put it), but he gives the young man his inheritance and lets him go out into the world.

The word Luke uses for "property" is "bios", or "life." The father divided his life between his sons. Sounds familiar... like the One who gave His life for us.

The younger son squanders his money and ends up taking a job of feeding pigs, considered unclean by the Jews. He truly hit bottom here.

The older brother was also selfish. He was angry because he did all the right things, but saw his younger brother getting even more upon the younger brother's return. His focus was on himself. Doing right so he can gain something for himself. (Ouch. Sounds too familiar here.)

Neither brother reaches out to the other. In fact, the older brother failed his responsibility: to try to convince the younger brother to let go of his stupid idea of getting his inheritance and running. He didn't try to find his younger brother after the younger brother ran off.

The father (Father) is the mediator, the one who reconciles.

Unlike the older brother of the parable, we have a true Older Brother in Jesus. He seeks us out when we lose our way. He seeks to reconcile us to the Father. In Christ, God reconciles the world to Himself. We have the responsibility to spread the message of reconciliation. (2 Cor. 5:19)

The father initiates. His love is outrageous. He gives his sons their inheritance. He runs to meet his younger son when the son returns. He rushes out to plead with older son, when that son is angry and won't join in the celebration.

The theme today is "reconciliation". I find that I have to give up my idea of "justice" in order to be open to God's reconciliation. I have to accept that He has already forgiven me, and that I have to follow that example in how I deal with others who hurt me. Sometimes I'm not dealing directly with someone who's hurt me, but rather, the memory of a past hurt. God's desire is that I allow Him to heal that pain, that I let go of that over which I have no control.

How is God making his appeal through me as an ambassador for Christ? How do we show the world the reconciling power of God? Hmm... that's a tough one to write here. I don't want to get the answer wrong and steer somebody wrong. What I think is that God wants me to step aside, stop talking, and start letting go, start listening to Him. Reading His word, praying, meditation, worship, and Godly counsel are the resources He has given me to help me discern His will.

"Let go and let God," and "Be still and listen."

May your Lent continue to be holy and blessed,
E

Hey Look! I'm Green! Recycling an Old Post

2010-03-14T20:22:00.006-05:00

I wanted to repost this old entry because it relates to the Lectionary reading we had at church today. My next post will have to do with Fr. Z's powerful sermon on this Scripture passage.

Luke 15:25-32 – The Parable of the Loving Father (July 2004, edited Nov. 2005)

Gentle Readers,
This blog entry is an attempt at a sermon I wrote a few years ago. Yes, I do things like this "for fun". It seems to fit in with the rest of the blog, so I'm including it here. Feedback is always welcome.

Blessings,
E

In the name of God – Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Amen.

Remember that story Jesus told about the “prodigal son,” the young man who gets his inheritance early and blows it on loose women and fast living? Remember how he decides to come crawling back to dear old dad when his funds run out and finds the pigs’ slop better than his own food? And what did dear old dad do? Say “I told you so”? Lay a guilt trip? No! The old man not only welcomes his son back, but also throws a big party in his honor.

I have heard this parable discussed many times in the context of the father’s great forgiveness of his younger son. This understanding has been and continues to be a source of great comfort. After all, I have often strayed from the right road and I’ve been grateful to those who have forgiven me. I have read this story and placed myself in the shoes of the younger son, being willfully self-absorbed, seemingly bent on self-destruction and then, when that path proved fruitless, being grateful to the Father who always forgives.

But lately, I’ve wondered about the elder son. After all, he was the one who obediently stayed home and helped his father keep the family farm running smoothly. Could he really be compared to the legalist Pharisees, as one study Bible asserts? Was he simply a jealous, ungrateful son? And why did I start to feel like I identified more with him?

Let’s take a look at the situation. The elder son is angry. And why not? His father was overjoyed about the return of his brother and yet, seemed to care so little about him. I could see him standing outside, feeling neglected, ignored, unloved – invisible. Why didn’t his father appreciate all that he had done – the years of being obedient, working hard? Didn’t that count for anything?

Mark Muesse, Associate Professor of Religious Studies at Rhodes College, re-titles the story as “The Parable of the Slighted Son.” In his article he describes the elder son as “the one who stays on the farm with his father, tending the cows and threshing wheat while his no-good brother is off whoring god-knows-where. The elder brother has always done what he was supposed to do.”

Muesse continues, “He has played by the rules, obeyed his father, and worked himself to the bone. No wonder he raises hell when the reprobate shows up one day seeking to get back into the father’s good graces… It’s just not fair. What’s the point of always doing what you’re supposed to do if it doesn’t earn you a few advantages?”

The father’s response is telling – he doesn’t try to make his other son feel better by putting his brother down. He doesn’t try to placate him with flattery. He offers no excuses or apologies for his actions. In fact, he seems to believe that his elder son is missing the point – he has never left him; he has never stopped loving him. The elder son has always had access to his father and to his father’s love. The father actually seems a bit taken aback that his elder son has any doubts at all about that.

The younger son receives all the attention at the moment because he hasn’t had the same access, even though he brought it upon himself by leaving the family home and leading a dissolute life. Now the father wants to show his younger son how much he loves him. This celebration is not only a show of joy over his son’s return, but also a tangible sign of his continuing love.

Why didn’t the elder son (as he complained) get a young goat so he could party with his friends? Maybe the father thought that his elder son didn’t need such a tangible sign. Maybe if the elder son were more observant, he would have noticed all the ways – great and small – his father already showed his love. Maybe he simply didn’t ask, “Dad, can I have a goat?”

The elder son has the same misconception about love that many of us have – love is finite. But the fact is love isn’t a pie in which giving someone a large slice means less for everyone else. Showing a great display of love for one doesn’t mean that others are less loved. Love does not exclude – in fact, as it is given, it grows to embrace more. The elder son was not left out of the celebration. He was invited – even begged – to join in. Jesus continues the story … “His father came out and began to plead with him (15:28).”

No doubt the father had been through something like this before. I imagine he didn’t let his younger son go without a struggle. I’m sure he pleaded with the young man to reconsider his decision to take the money and run. Now the situation is similar. But this time it is the elder son who chooses to alienate himself from the family and the father again humbly asks his son to come back.

You see, in this story, both sons got it wrong. Both disrespected their father. Both would have been deserving of punishment. Yet their loving father embraces them both.

We know what happened to the younger son. He showed humility and true repentance by leaving the immoral lifestyle he had been living and returning home. He asked his father to forgive him, knowing full well, he didn’t deserve it. He depended on his father’s love to restore his place within the family. And his father welcomed him back and celebrated his safe return.

We don’t know what happened to the older brother. Jesus leaves the ending open, like one of those 1970s school films where the action stops at a critical decision point. If this were one of those films, we’d probably see a close-up of the older brother’s face as he ponders what to do, then a fade to black.

So what does he do? What do we do?

While we are pondering, let’s consider another title for this story – “The Parable of the Loving Father, the One Who Forgives.” And let’s remember the words of the father – the words of our Father – “you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours.”

Amen.

Blasts from the past

2010-03-09T22:56:00.003-06:00

Ignore the garish 80s "fashion". Ack! These are the songs that formed my faith in my younger years, along with Catholic contemporary musicians, such as the St. Louis Jesuits.

Random Thoughts

2010-03-09T22:22:00.004-06:00

Last Sunday, we had a Recovery Sunday service. The focus was on our powerlessness, and how our control (power) seeking tendencies create chaos in our lives.

I see being a Christian as a life of paradox.

We are powerless -- over other people, places, events, things, even ourselves at times. However, we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength. (Phil. 4:13) What this means is that any power we have is not ours when we are alone, but is present only through our relationship with God.

We are unworthy -- even to pick the crumbs off the floor -- alone. Yet we are God's beloved children, the ones for whom he gave his Son -- his life -- for us. We are God's honored guests in his house, at his heavenly banquet. It's all about the relationship.

I love this song by Lincoln Brewster. It's based on part of the ancient Jewish prayer, the Shema (see Deuteronomy):

Some family issues are getting closer to closure and my school district interview went well. Thanks be to God!

Facebook-less for Lent

2010-03-03T22:28:00.003-06:00

I decided this week that I would fast from Facebooking for the remainder of Lent. I feel bereft. (After only two days!)

But I didn't have any time to blog before, and tonight I finally put something here.

And this will eventually appear on my Facebook page, even without my visiting it.

So I'm there, but not there, heh.

Happy Lent!

PS: Got an interview at a local school district this Saturday. Prayers and good thoughts most welcome and appreciated!

A Nice Rendition of the 23rd Psalm -- The Lord is My Shepherd, retold by Rob Lewis

2010-03-03T22:07:00.001-06:00

I used this when I taught a Pre-K class in a Catholic School. We have it at home now and I enjoy sharing it with my grandson, S.

The illustrations are charming, if you don't have a problem with God being a big bunny who takes care of the little bunny. The text is understandable to little ones, yet it has a nice, lyrical flow.

Here's the link on Amazon: The Lord is My Shepherd

I'm looking for ways to share my faith with the little guy. Do you start with God first, or do you talk about Jesus? Any particular favorite activities? Right now, I read The Lord is My Shepherd, The Rhyme Bible for Toddlers, and some other children's religious books. We've just started talking about God as the One who made everything. I've taught religion classes, but this is different, more personal, and there's no set curriculum in front of me. So I feel a bit lost as to whether I'm doing it "right".

Happy Lent!

2010-02-17T22:13:00.007-06:00

I greeted Fr. Y with those words from the title, and he laughed and said it was an oxymoron. I replied, "Yes, I like that sort of thing."

Well, "Happy Lent" is kind of an oxymoron and...kind of not. I happen to like Lent. When I wrote an article for my old church's newsletter, I learned that "Lent" came from an Anglo-Saxon word for "spring." That kind of stuck on me. When I think of Spring, I think of Spring Cleaning, being refreshed, starting anew. Lent is like that -- Spring Cleaning for the soul.

I like the penitential seasons of Advent and Lent because they are an opportunity to intentionally clean up my spiritual life. Like housekeeping, one should clean up on a regular basis, but sometimes you need to set aside a special time to do some deep cleaning.

In a couple of weeks, I'll meet with one of our priests and say my Confession. It will be an opportunity for me to hear God, through the priest, say "I forgive you." Now, I know that God has already forgiven me, but for things that really bother me, I need to admit my wrongs and hear -- physically -- the words, "I forgive you." From past experience, I know that when I can tell someone the wrongs I've done, get a way for making things right (often referred to as a "penance"), and hear the words of forgiveness, I will feel better. Not only will I feel better, but more importantly, I will have made steps toward repairing the relationships that have been broken by my actions -- relationships with other people and with God Himself.

I like the somber, subdued mood in our worship during Lent. It's a break from the frenetic activity that sometimes invades even our worship space. I find that I can connect with God more deeply. Our music emphasizes our brokenness and need for healing. I appreciate that I can stop and admit that I'm human; I'm fallible -- I don't need to know it all or do it all. My 12-step work reminds me that there is a Power greater than I am, and Lent reminds me of the same.

As for giving something up...this year, not so much. I think I'll go the route of adding something rather than taking away. The reality is that I'll naturally give up something in order to make this "new" thing, whatever it may be, fit. This year, I'm going to add exercise and Bible Study to my life. It will likely mean less playing with the iPhone...oooh, can I do it? Heh. I can with God's help!

I wish you a blessed and most holy Lent. Happy Lent!

Lent's Coming! Quick -- get out the sackcloth and ashes!

2010-02-11T21:39:00.006-06:00

Recently, I contributed a Lenten meditation for my former church's collection of writings. I like Lent, with its thoughtful, penitential focus. It's a lot like spring cleaning (the word lent comes from an Anglo-Saxon word for spring, after all) for the soul.

Here's the meditation:

Meditation for the 5th Day in Lent 2010 by Erlinda

Please read 1 Corinthians 1:1-19

There is a saying: “The more things change, the more they stay the same.” Unfortunately, this holds true when we look at the state of the Church in Corinth and the present-day Church. Because we have been created to live in community (Gen. 2:18, Matt. 18:20, 1 Cor. 1:9), we have an almost insatiable hunger to belong to something. But often, when we create groups in which to belong, we also create out-groups. When Paul learned that the Church had split into factions, he admonished the Corinthians to strive for unity, “in mind and purpose.”

I have seen the sad results of church splits, whether from personal differences, doctrinal differences, liturgical differences, or any number of things that cause relationships to break down and die. People experience real pain from these splits, and friendships and communities are lost. Worse, people who have been wounded may begin to believe that there is no purpose for a worshiping community. Hearing the Corinthians say, “I belong to Paul”, or “I belong to Apollos”, or “I belong to Cephas”, or “I belong to Christ,” is not much different than saying, “I am orthodox,” or “I am progressive,” or “I belong to Holy Spirit,” or “I belong to St. George,” or “I belong to…” I call it looking at church with a “little c”, rather than Church with a “big C.”

We are going through a time of divisiveness within our Episcopal Church and the Anglican Communion, of which we are a part. If we, as a Church, are to survive this tumultuous period, we need to do what Paul told the Corinthians – be united “in mind and purpose.” That purpose is to proclaim – in words and actions – the Good News of Jesus Christ to those who do not know Him. This is too big a task for any small group to undertake. We need to look beyond our differences and cooperate in inter-parish and even inter-denominational efforts. Christ will give us the gifts we need to achieve our goal – to fill the hunger of those lonely souls who need to know the love of Christ and the love of a truly Christian community.

Let us pray: Lord Jesus Christ, give us the strength to overcome the sad divisions we are experiencing in our Church. Help us to use the gifts You have given us to proclaim the Good News of Your presence to those who hunger so much for Your love, Your grace and Your peace. Amen.

It's hard to do the right thing -- why?

2010-02-11T21:02:00.005-06:00

It is interesting how hard it is for people (including me) to do the right thing. Tonight I came home from work to see my grandson, S, standing in a corner and crying because he did not want to help his mom put away his toys. Even when putting away his toys would mean certain freedom and playtime with Nana (me), he still refused to put the toys away. This continued for several minutes, forever, in a two-year-old's time frame.

It took a while, but I finally convinced him to put away his cars, a few at a time. Then all was well in his little world and we danced to the kids' music blaring from our TV.

So the question remains: Why is it so hard for people to do the right thing, even when doing so usually brings pleasurable results?

I'll think about this a bit and blog my thoughts. Meanwhile, if you have any thoughts on the subject, please share.

Happy Christmastide to You!

2009-12-26T23:18:00.002-06:00

Ah, the frenzy that is Christmas Eve is over, Christmas Day is past, and now we settle into Christmastide for a short while before the Epiphany.

For me, this is a relaxed time. We generally keep the decorations up until New Year's, and really, if we were to follow the Church calendar closely, we can keep them up until Jan. 6 (Epiphany). The house has been tidied up a bit, grandson S's new toys have been integrated into the household and we can just enjoy a little bit of free time before having to get back into the routine of daily life. Even though I work a few days next week, even that is a bit more relaxed. I wish I could say the same for my husband, who has been especially busy. I'm just glad that he has had a few days off recently.

This is a time for reflecting on the past year. Some of you veteran readers may be tired of my summer saga, but it bears mentioning because it was a significant turning point for me in 2009. As the year began, and through the summer, I had felt like I was losing so much -- a friend and a church -- but as the rest of the year played out, I have found that I have gained much. I'm closer to my family, my new church has been a haven for spiritual growth, and I'm becoming more aware of my own strength. Those who have been my friends at my old church continue to be my friends, just as others from previous congregations have been. In fact, I'm lunching tomorrow with a friend from my first Episcopal congregation. I feel a little like Job (though, thankfully, not experiencing losses to the great degree that he had). He lost a lot, but God blessed him greatly. He expressed his frustration to God, but still kept the faith. That's the amazing thing. Not by my strength alone, but with God's help, I weathered this storm in my life and was able to see and appreciate God's great blessings as I got through it.

Our family has become a tight little unit. We are still dealing with some legal issues concerning grandson S, but hope that 2010 will be the year of getting them resolved. Stepdaughter J is doing well in school -- a 4.0 average for her first semester. And I love and appreciate my husband R more and more with each passing day.

I have some goals for this year. I'm preparing to take the state exam for Special Education certification. That will take place in late January. You'll certainly will read a prayer request before then. I'll then apply for special ed as well as regular ed teaching positions for the coming school year. Spiritually, I hope to have a new spiritual director and get back on track with my prayer and worship life. I'd like to take better care of myself physically, and fit some intentional exercise into my daily routine. And I want to continue my vigilance over my mental and emotional health. That vigilance stood me in good stead in 2009.

When I reflect a little further back, say the past six years, I find that I've traveled a long road. From living an out-of-control, scared, not wanting to live existence, I have (again with God's help) built a life that has value to myself and others. I'm aware that God has always valued me, and now I have the opportunity to help others see God's value in themselves.

But of course it's not all smooth sailing from now on. I have no idea what the future holds, so it's not a time for complacency. But I can, if I allow myself to lean upon God's strength, be ready to meet the challenges. I can be confident that God will be there to help me. And by allowing God to help me, I don't have to worry so much, I can look to the needs of others rather than curving into myself. I can -- with His help -- love and serve Him. That's what it's all about, anyway.

Third Sunday of Advent -- In the Desert, Finding Hope

2009-12-13T22:20:00.005-06:00

Fr. Y's sermon today was just what I needed to hear. It's interesting how sermons can be like that. Clergy prepare sermons for the congregation as a whole, yet each member hears it in his own particular way.

In a nutshell, the sermon was about being in a spiritual desert. The characteristics of that desert are dryness, disconnectedness, feeling lost, and hopelessness. The way out of the desert is to turn our attention to God and His promises to us. I'll add more detail to this below.

We were given a bit of homework afterward. Three questions were posed, which I'll answer here on the blog.

1. Think about the last time you were wandering in a spiritual desert. In what ways were you challenged?

Readers of this blog are familiar with my last trip through the desert, which was this past summer. In fact, the desert was the birthplace of the blog. In hindsight, I was in an unhealthy relationship with my last priest. Not sensational like an affair, but destructive all the same. When the friendship fell apart, I lost my pastor, spiritual director and church community as well. It was a distressing and confusing time. There had been red flags and people who had warned me to step back, but I didn't heed the warnings. When there was finally a irreparable break and the need to go to a new church, I realized that while I didn't worship Fr. X, I did allow my friendship with him and its ups and downs (more and more "downs", in time) to interfere with my relationship with the worshiping community and with God.

2. How did God work through your spiritual desert time to bring you to a deeper understanding of Him? How were you changed?

I realized that God had to allow that friendship to end. There could be nothing that separated me from Him in my life. I had to allow God to lead me to an unknown place, a new church, and trust that He would help me and my family adjust. I found that I could focus more on my husband, family, friends, others in the congregation, and God Himself when I wasn't so worried about "What would Fr. X think?" God allowed me to experience the hardship, yet as St. Paul said in 1 Corinthians 10:13, He was faithful and showed "with the testing he will also provide the way out," so that I was able to endure it. This experience showed me the danger of allowing any one person so much control over my spiritual life. Only God has the right to that much influence over my being.

3. Share with someone one thing you can do to participate in God's activity in your family, at work or in the community.

I will seek ways, as wife, mother and grandmother (and godparent) to nurture the faith journey of my family. I could list more things, but the assignment does say "one thing", and right now family is at the top of my list.

The sermon also included a list of Bible verses to read while one is traveling in the desert:

dryness: Isaiah 12:13
disconnectedness: Zephaniah3:17
feeling lost: Zephaniah3:20
hopelessness: Philippians 4:4

Advent is about expectation. We eagerly await to celebrate the birth of our Savior. As we do so, let's remember that God moves powerfully in this world. He restores. He revives. He resets. He renews.

But he works through us. So we are challenged. What will we do? What will I do?

Churches: Cooperation or Competition?

2009-12-07T20:16:00.003-06:00

Last night I participated in a concert featuring singers from several Episcopal churches in my diocese. It was a very rewarding experience, both in terms of the music we performed, and the people I was able to reconnect with. Several friends from my old church were there, as participants and audience members. I met the priest who took Fr. X's place, Fr. J. I felt a genuine warmth from Fr. and Mrs. J as we met.

Some folks would take that as a reason to go back to my old church. After all, Fr. X and the problems I and others had with him are no longer a pressing issue. But I don't see it that way. My present church was and is more than merely a port in a storm. It was the place that provided comfort and solace, as well as the time and space I needed to look at my situation more objectively. It was there that I was able to serve again, and where J and S were able to worship without dealing with any fallout connected with my problems with Fr. X.

I'm not interested in being a ping-pong ball when it comes to churches. I want a place where my family and I can settle down and be settled. Living the Gospel can be unsettling enough at times. I'd rather that we remain in the community we're in now, and not have to deal with starting over in another place. Besides, S is already in love with the "pay-boun" (playground) at our present church.

Which brings me to the title of this entry -- cooperation or competition? Wouldn't it be great if we explored more opportunities -- such as the concert I described -- for churches to cooperate with one another. Perhaps the parochial boundaries could be less rigid and more permeable. Instead of convincing members of one parish to transfer to another, like some sort of Episcopal shell game, we could work together to nurture each others' faith and reach those who do not know Christ. It's not that those things are not happening now, but we could and should do more. We need to share those gifts that God has given each of our communities.

Amen. Be Blessed.

Superficial or Sacramental?

2009-12-01T22:56:00.003-06:00

Wow! December already! Advent already! Christmas is just around the corner!

I've been thinking about what Fr. Y had said in his sermon, about not getting caught up in the distractions that are our usual pre-Christmas preparations. Advent is a time of holy waiting. It's a time of waiting for the Holy. But all too often, we are bombarded with messages, commercial and non-commercial that distract us from the holy. An obvious commercial distraction is the focus on buying gifts. I heard a news story recently that made it sound like people refusing to max out their credit cards was a bad thing. Huh?

Non-commercial distractions are focusing on decorating the house, getting the Christmas cards sent, or cooking the perfect meal. Not that these are bad things, but they need to be put into perspective. All those are way lower in priority than the Incarnation of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

The definition of a "sacrament" is "an outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual grace." So, I'm looking at all these things I do to get ready for Christmas, the spiritual and temporal alike and wondering, how can I do them in such a way that they are an outward and visible sign of my inward and spiritual preparation for the observance of Christ's birth?

First, I intend to do only those things that are most meaningful to me in a spiritual sense. Decorating the house to a certain extent is important because I want S, my two-year-old grandson, to learn about Christmas. He can point to Baby Jesus in our Nativity Set, and will learn more as the days lead to Christmas. Cards, gifts and meals are important in that it shows my love and care for my brothers and sisters in Christ. The thing here is not to let the activities become the end. They are only indicators of my love for Christ.

Also, I intend to adopt some Advent disciplines. Disciplines are usually associated with Lent, but I want to use my Advent time wisely. I am going to incorporate more Scripture reading and intentional prayer into my daily life. I am considering reading a Bible chapter each day. I think I'll start with the Gospel of John. I don't quite know why, but it just feels right.

I wanted to get this out before I forgot too many things, but it's late now, so I am going to bed.

Good night and blessings to you!

Popping In

2009-11-28T01:43:00.011-06:00

Well hello there! Just want to thank all of you who've left comments. I feel badly about not acknowledging each of you, but I hope this collective thanks will do for now.

It's been my practice for the last few years to compose a gratitude list on Thanksgiving. Here's one for this year, a couple of days late. I'm thankful for...

1. My family -- husband, stepdaughter, grandson
2. My family -- Parents, brothers, nieces and nephew
3. My friends
4. My old church
5. My present church
6. The ending of an unhealthy relationship
7. The growth of healthy relationships -- old and new
8. My pet chinchilla
9. Angel Food Ministries
10. Employment for my husband and me
11. Good health
12. Caring people who helped me transition to my present church
13. Food, shelter, transportation
14. Facebook and Facebook friends
15. And most of all, God's providence, comfort and guidance through all life's joys and trials

This is considerably shorter than past lists, but I think it covers the main things, and many of the little things I listed before are covered in the broader categories.

I am so grateful that my stepdaughter J and grandson S like to go to church with me. Occasionally my husband joins us, and I'm thankful for that, too. I pray that each of us will find our relationship with our Heavenly Father strengthened as we worship.

It was a tough summer. I didn't want to leave my old church, but with the deteriorated relationship with its priest, I felt I had to. But I also knew, deep down, that God would redeem this situation. This unhealthy relationship had to end, and perhaps the unpleasantness was the only way either of us would be motivated to end it. (I guess another option would have been to change it, but I don't think either of us was very motivated to change, at least not significantly.)

As cliched as it sounds, it did turn out for the best. J likes our present church, and S loves the nursery, where he hammers and the playground, where he climbs and slides. S once sprinted towards the Communion rail as soon as the Lord's Prayer was completed. I am also growing in faith, as I am allowed to serve where God calls me. And I feel that guiding my family in faith is helping me grow spiritually.

I learned, with God's help, just how strong -- emotionally and spiritually -- I truly was. Other people confirmed that my impressions about what I had experienced with Fr. X at my old church were not misconceptions or skewed thinking. That was a relief, and though I still have thoughts about things that happened, they are becoming less and less -- especially since I decided to leave those events at the foot of the Cross.

There are other situations that are also challenging, but I can't blog -- even indirectly -- about them. Perhaps in the coming months, when they are resolved, I'll be able to share them with you. In these situations also, God is present, ready to give guidance, strength and comfort. I hope to be able to report a joyous outcome soon. And God will be present in that too.

I hope you all have had a most blessed Thanksgiving!

Happy Birthday to Me!

2009-11-02T22:02:00.005-06:00

Some years ago, I learned that my birthday falls on a special day on the church calendar. We Episcopalians call it the "Commemoration of the Faithful Departed," or "All Souls Day." It's a good time to think about those who have gone ahead of us to the nearer presence of God. We remember how their lives had touched ours, and we have hope that we will see them again. I don't know a lot about the specific customs associated with "Dia De Los Muertos," or "Day of the Dead", but I do believe in setting aside time for remembrance, and not only on November 2.

Today I did something a little different on my birthday. Amidst the celebratory activities, I visited with Fr. Z and celebrated the Rite of Reconciliation, popularly known as Confession. Usually, this is something I do during Advent and Lent, but I felt a need to closely examine and deal with some problems now.

The Catholics consider Reconciliation a sacrament, one of seven. Episcopalians don't see it as a sacrament (we recognize two -- Baptism and Eucharist), but rather a sacramental rite. To be honest, as a former Catholic, I'm more inclined to simply consider Reconciliation a sacrament, as I'm a bit fuzzy on the finer distinctions.

I think Reconciliation/Confession has been given a bum rap over the years. Certainly there have been instances of insensitive or punitive priests, but mostly, my experience has been that of cleansing of the sin that has cluttered my spirit. Sin separates me from my fellows and from God. I find it healing to expose the sin and repent. Of course, God forgives, and has forgiven, even without the presence of a priest. For me, it is useful to confess to someone who is, presumably, a bit further along the spiritual path than I am. It is humbling, and a bit embarrassing, to confess one's shortcomings to someone else. I'd just as soon try to ignore those shortcomings or concentrate on the other person's faults -- especially if the sin involves a conflict with another. When I come to a priest, I realize that God is working through him (or her) during the Rite of Reconciliation.

There is, also, the sanctity of the confessional. I know that my confession will not be part of conversations amongst my fellow congregants. While I know that I can avoid that problem by confessing privately to God (I don't say "directly to God" because I believe that confessing in the Rite is directly to God.), I do believe that another person can provide perspective that I can't usually get by myself.

Penance is also another aspect of the Rite that I appreciate. Not all priests use that word, but in their counsel there will usually be some concrete act I can do to make things right, or at least get on the right road towards that end.

So, I found that celebrating, yes celebrating, the Rite of Reconciliation was a a good addition to my birthday celebration. After all, what better way to celebrate my birth than to be reminded of my new birth in Christ?

Be blessed.

Where Do We Invest Our Faith?

2009-10-25T18:53:00.006-05:00

So today we had a visit from the Rt. Rev. James Folts, one of the local retired bishops. He is indeed gifted in oratory, though his voice does somewhat resemble Foghorn Leghorn's, the rooster of Looney Tunes fame. (Hope that's not offensive, since I like Foghorn.) My stepdaughter, J, dubbed him "funny", "awesome" and "cool", no small praise from a 20-something. And he and his wife were nice to the grandson, which earns more than a few points with me.

Anyway, the bishop knows how to preach. He delivers with enough zeal and energy that I would dare anyone to sleep through one of his sermons.

Bishop Folts' message was one I needed to hear today: The bishop stated that we all have -- every one of us -- all the faith we need. And that faith is as strong as it ever needs to get. So why do we feel lacking in our faith? It's because we haven't invested it in the right place. We can choose to invest our faith in either hope (trusting God) or fear (distrusting God). And when we choose to invest our faith in fear, we surrender to the Enemy who lies in wait, looking for any opportunity to alienate us from God.

Investing our faith in hope allows us to defeat the enemy. We are no longer enslaved to his schemes. We are no longer separated from God. God desires that we live in hope, that we know that He loves us more than we love our own families. That gave me pause, for I know how much I love my husband, stepdaughter and grandson. When we do things that God dislikes, even hates, He doesn't dislike or hate us. But it is our choice -- my choice, your choice -- to invest our faith in hope, and choose to be in relationship with God, our Father.

But even when we choose hope, we may feel fear. It's natural. Bishop Folts wasn't saying that we banish the emotion of fear. What I heard him say was that we do not allow fear to rule our lives. Instead, we gather our courage to "look fear in the eye" and refuse to be enslaved by it. We turn to God and allow our trust in him to give us the hope that allows us to take right action in spite of the fear we feel.

So where does that leave me? Well, I know there are some things I have been content to leave on the back burner because I have been afraid to take action. I make the choice now to invest my faith in hope and move forward. God is with me, and even if I fail in my tasks, I will never be a failure to Him.

A Lovely Day

2009-10-24T16:22:00.004-05:00

Spent a lovely day outside. Began first with picking up an Angel Food order (see www.angelfoodministries.com) and then continued with a workday at the church. The physical work was finished soon for me, as the supplies for the emergency kits got packed up quickly. Then a small group went on a prayer walk around the church campus and surrounding neighborhood.

I had never experienced a prayer walk before, and thought it would be a contemplative stroll. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but this was different, more active. We stopped at various points and prayed for the people and/or missions of each place. We even stopped by the youth group building and prayed over a young man who had hurt his ankle during a soccer game. We prayed as we passed businesses, thanking God for the people who owned them and asking God to bless their continued service to the community. It was a good way for me to get better acquainted with the church grounds and the surrounding neighborhood as well.

Then our group and those who were working on the church grounds stopped for lunch in the parish hall. I enjoyed listening to people's stories as we ate.

From lunch, our original prayer group and a few others went into the sanctuary and prayed again for our church and community. Most significant for me was when we laid our hands on Fr. Z and prayed specifically for him. Our rector, Fr. Y, has been ill and Fr. Z has been, with the help of the staff and vestry, holding things together very well. More accurately, we have been continuing to move forward, even as we eagerly anticipate Fr. Y's healing and return.

I had planned to go on a women's retreat this weekend. But the more I had heard about this workday, the more I felt called to participate in it. As it was, the workday was like a retreat for me, and even better, I got to return home that afternoon and spend some wonderful quality time in our backyard with my grandson, S.

God's blessings are abundant! Thanks be to God!

More Wisdom from Gump

2009-10-02T17:48:00.004-05:00

My momma always said, "Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." Forrest Gump

Sorry I have not given you much to read. Life in the face-to-face world has been very demanding. Since the grandson's mommy decided to go back to school -- a very good thing -- my husband and I have been alternating babysitting duty during the week. I believe that since I give so much attention and care to the children at work, my grandson deserves my fullest attention at home. Actually, that would be the case even if I did not work with kids. So, anyway, I have little time for reading and responding to email and Facebook, let alone stringing together complete thoughts for a blog entry.

This is a rare quiet time in our household. Papa (my husband) is napping, stepdaughter J is reading, and grandson S has finally succumbed to a nap. That gives me -- Nana -- a chance to blog today.

So back to the quote -- life is such a mixed bag. Joy and sorrow tumbling together.

This Sunday is the anniversary of a most joyous day -- the birth of grandson S. He will be 2, and is learning to proudly say so when asked, "How old are you?" He is a delightful playmate, inviting me to see once again through childlike eyes the joys of playdough, coloring, and blocks. My husband has returned from a business trip safe and sound. J is doing very well in school.

There are sorrows too. I heard about friends who have lost someone close to them. I heard about a friend who is dealing with depression and alcoholism. People, myself included, are still dealing with the uncertainties of the economy. I still carry the scars from a pastoral relationship/friendship gone sour.

Since it's Mental Health Awareness month, I'll share a little about my own experience with mental illness. I've dealt with depression for as long as I could remember. There was a time, several years ago, when I thought that living was quite overrated. My thinking was beyond clouded and I said and did things that hurt those I cared about. I spoke with the priest who was my pastor at the time, expressing my sorrow and regret over those hurtful deeds.

His response was not the warm, fuzzy response I expected. He said: "True repentance is doing everything in your power to get well."

These words have been my guide in recovery ever since (Thank you, Father D!). It wasn't enough to be sorrowful. I needed to change course, to do the things my treatment professionals recommended, to get rid of things and attitudes that kept me ill. I needed to be patient, as some changes took time.

Recovery is an ongoing process, and I am constantly on the lookout for signs that I'm drifting into depression. Recently, I experienced a depressive episode caused by a painkiller I was prescribed. Because I was vigilant, I was able to stop that episode before it became more serious.

When you hit bottom, there's nothing else to do but reach up to God. During my most severe depression, I began to pray more regularly. Today I pray each morning as I drive to work. For me, it works because at home there are so many distractions. Ideally, I'd like to go to church and pray. That only works now when I'm able to go to choir practice early and sit in the quiet of the empty church. When I was a Catholic, I'd go to Eucharistic Adoration in the chapel and sit quietly in the presence of Christ in the form of the Eucharist. I need to find/create a quiet space, besides my car, to pray. Any thoughts?

For all those dealing with mental illness, whether personally or as friends or family members, I offer this prayer from the Book of Common Prayer:

May God the Father bless you, God the Son heal you, God the Holy Spirit give you strength. May God the holy and undivided Trinity guard your body, save your soul, and bring you safely to his heavenly country; where he lives and reigns for ever and ever. Amen.

"And I had that house of your father's bulldozed to the ground." Forrest Gump

2009-09-14T21:52:00.006-05:00

So I might be the only one who is actually glad to see the old church site being transformed into something completely different. Not to minimize what others are feeling, but I'm not particularly sad that the buildings are being taken away and the land is being cleared. You see, my old church was seen as a kind of natural oasis of trees and wildlife in the midst of a rapidly developing area of town. I will miss that, of course. It was a lovely site for my wedding, and my step-daughter and grandson were both baptized there. It was a peaceful area for journaling and praying.

However, events of the more recent past were very painful. And if that church remained in that place, it would stand as a symbol of a friendship, a spiritual mentorship, that went horribly wrong. I'm guessing that if the other party were to read this, it would be interpreted as something insulting, but it is what it is.

My husband said my description reminded him of what Forrest Gump did for his wife Jenny after her death. Jenny's childhood home was the site of abuses at the hands of her father. Forrest bought the house and had it bulldozed. Speaking at Jenny's grave, he reports to her: "And I had that house of your father's bulldozed to the ground."

That's how I feel about the old church site being razed. The site of abuse is being changed and transformed into something new and helpful to others in a different way (student apartments will be built there).

So, I have no tears for the old church site. Besides, as my husband reminded me, the church is not being destroyed because the church is the people. The land is just a place.

Not Just for Lent Anymore

2009-09-08T22:57:00.005-05:00

This is a reprint of a reflection piece I wrote for a series of Lenten meditations at my old church. Psalm 19 is the Psalm appointed for this week in the Revised Common Lectionary.

Meditation for the 8th day of Lent by Erlinda R. Blevins
Please read Psalms 19 and 46

One of my favorite composers is Marty Haugen, a composer whose music helped shape my spirituality. As a young woman discovering my faith and connection to God, I sang his music as we celebrated the Mass. Haugen’s “Canticle of the Sun” is an uplifting, joyful rendering of Psalm 19:

Refrain: “The heavens are telling the glory of God,
and all creation is shouting for joy.
Come dance in the forest,
come, play in the field,
and sing, sing to the glory of the Lord.”

I sometimes come to our church grounds to marvel at God’s creation. From the trees to the deer and even the occasional skunk that crosses my path, God’s creation is wonderful. All things “sing” to God’s glory.

But, there is also a challenge posed by these psalms: “Be still and know that I am God,” (Psalm 46) and “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to you, O Lord, my rock and redeemer,” (Psalm 19).

Anyone who knows me knows that being still is a formidable challenge to me. I want to move, to fix, to change, to make something – anything – happen. I have trouble waiting for God to work in His time. God is telling me to let go, let Him handle things, and know He is more powerful than any problem I face.

However, the greater challenge to me is posed by Psalm 19. The meditations of my heart, the words of my mouth – are they acceptable to the Lord? Do I trust Him to be my rock and my redeemer? I must admit I have fallen short, and hurt people I love as a result. The good news is if I do the second part – trust God to be my rock and redeemer – He will help me conform my meditations and words to His will. How do I show that trust? By praying, studying, and worshiping – doing those things that strengthen my relationship with Him.

Let us pray: Almighty God, Sovereign Ruler of all Creation, help us grow in trust, allowing you to guide us and conform our thoughts, words and deeds to Your will. Give us the strength not to rush to solutions, but to wait for You to work in Your time. We ask this through Your Son, our Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Here's a little meditative background music (there's no video):

A Couple of Frugal Tips

2009-09-05T13:57:00.004-05:00

Our family, like many others, is on the lookout for ways to stretch a dollar. One thing we are doing is using a clothesline for our clothes. Dryers use a 240-volt outlet which uses a lot more electricity than the other outlets in the house. Since our homeowners' association thinks that clotheslines aren't aesthetically pleasing, we've set up a clothesline in our garage. At least there's one way to make the 100+ temps work for us.

Another way to stretch a dollar is to use the food co-op, Angel Food

Our church is part of this nationwide ministry, and you can find the location nearest you on the web site. Angel Food is for everyone. You don't have to qualify, because you purchase the food -- but at lower prices. People who do qualify for government assistance can use their food stamps to pay, and get the most out of their benefits.

You can also help this ministry in a number of ways, including prayer, taking orders, distributing, telling others, and even simply ordering food. Ordering food helps because Angel Food purchases food with a volume discount; so the more buyers, the lower prices can become for everybody, especially those who are having a hard time financially.

How are you coping with these challenging economic times? Hope you'll share!

Welcome, New Readers!

2009-09-04T16:42:00.004-05:00

A big shout out goes to Peter Pollock, whose blog, "Rediscovering the Church" is linked on the sidebar to this one. Thank you, Peter, for inviting readers to come here. As part of a contest he's running, Peter has invited readers to come to other blogs, like this one. For details, click on the link to his blog.

I'm dashing this note while my grandson is napping. Between work, church, and my stepdaughter's return to school, free time to blog is very precious. I hope to write a more substantive post later tonight.

Feel free to make yourself at home here. I hope you'll see this as a conversation between friends over a coke or a cup of coffee. So, kick off those shoes, and happy reading!

Blessings,
E

Finishing out the month

2009-08-30T00:14:00.004-05:00

Change. Endings. Life goes on.

Later this morning, my old church will have its last service at its present location. It coincides with Fr. X's last service with this congregation.

Hmmm...

Such a tumultuous time in the preceding months. Now things are changing, ending. This is real.

I don't feel called to go back, and yet there is a sad wistfulness -- a wish that things could have ended on a better note. But maybe this was the only way things could end. The situation was just too highly charged for anyone involved. Perhaps God just had to bring things to a screeching halt.

I hope that someday there will be a way to rewrite the ending to this tale, to make this a more peaceful ending.

But life does go on. And I see opportunities for growth at my present church that weren't available at my old one. More opportunities to serve God and other people. And at least for now, a kind of sheltering from church drama that I really need right now.

Ob-la-di, ob-la-da, life goes on. Be blessed!

And a little bonus track...

And This Is Why I Need to Take Notes During the Sermon

2009-08-17T22:14:00.003-05:00

First, I need to introduce a new "character" in the blog: "Father Z", assistant rector of my church. Yeah, I know these are really cheesy pseudonyms, but I'm too lazy to think of "real" fake names.

Anyway, I left church Sunday thinking, "Wow! That was a really great sermon!" And, sorry to say this, Fr. Z, but while I still remember some key points, the particulars of why I thought it was really great have faded away. Some people have a memory like a steel trap. Mine is more like a steel sieve.

I do remember the link between the Old Testament prohibition against consuming blood and the New Testament story of Christ saying that one must eat His flesh and drink His blood in order to have life within. We have sanitized this story so much that it's reduced to symbols. When Jesus said it, however, it wasn't a symbol that He was talking about. That's what made it so scandalous to the people who had heard Him.

Anyway...I'll take notes next Sunday. Then I'll have something a bit more concrete than a feeling that I had heard Something Important.

Blessings,
E

The Great Western Heresy

2009-08-10T22:24:00.007-05:00

Many people have criticized that phrase from Katherine Jefferts-Schori, Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church.

What she was referring to was the idea that salvation is God's gift to us as individuals, independent of anyone else. Here's a quote from her address to the General Convention of the Episcopal Church:

"...The overarching connection in all these crises has to do with the great Western Heresy - that we can be saved as individuals, that any of us alone can be in right relationship with God. It's caricatured in some quarters by insisting that salvation depends on reciting a specific verbal formula about Jesus. That individualist focus is a form of idolatry, for it puts me and my words in the place that only God can occupy, at the center of existence, as the ground of all being. That heresy is one reason for the theme of this Convention."

I have mixed feelings about that. I believe that salvation is both an individual and communal event. As individuals, we are each given free will and the responsibility to choose a right relationship with God. But we do not experience the fullness of this gift except in community with other believers.

As I promised, I'll quote more from Bishop Frey's book, The Dance of Hope:

"Any authentic recovery of hope will take place in community with other people...the New Testament word for community is koinonia. It means 'a deep sharing of life marked by the power and presence of the Holy Spirit'."

Our churches are supposed to be the places where we find this deep sharing of life. Unfortunately, we often fall short of this ideal in our actual experience. "However," Bp. Frey continues, "a deeper awareness of just what the church is designed to be (emphasis mine) is the prerequisite for enabling it to become what it really is."

What would the ideal faith community look like? You might think about it. I'm going to.

Blessings,
E

Cheering for God

2009-08-09T22:49:00.004-05:00

Just something cute from the grandson, S, who is nearly two.

At church today, he would cheer "Yay!" after each song, and cheered again after the final blessing.

Quite appropriate, I think.

After all, isn't "Alleluia" just another way of saying "Yay God!"?

Yay!

Getting Out of the "Holy Huddle"

2009-08-09T22:06:00.005-05:00

I liked Fr. Y's sermon this morning. Using a football metaphor, he challenged us to get out of the "holy huddle" and do something with our faith. Pretty much what James said in his letter:

James 2:18 "But someone will say, 'You have faith and I have works." Show me your faith apart from your works, and I by my works will show you my faith.'"

The medieval notion of sin, curvatos en se, is a dangerous condition I find myself leaning toward, being a reflective person by nature. I could easily spin my wheels in endless circles, pondering ponderous thoughts, and doing nothing to serve Christ -- indeed, to be Christ to someone who would have not experienced His love otherwise. We are to go out and make disciples, not in order to isolate ourselves in comfortable "holy huddles," but to go out and execute the play.

Executing the play is both exciting and uncomfortable, because when we go out to do what we need to do, there is the possibility that something may go wrong, that things may not always go our way. But we can't -- I can't -- let that stop us from stepping out in faith.

There are people out there, in our midst, who need to truly know Christ. Don't let getting stuck in the "holy huddle" keep them -- and us -- from doing so.

Amen.

The Best $12.99 + Tax I Ever Spent

2009-08-08T00:59:00.005-05:00

A few years ago, I bought the book, The Dance of Hope, by William C. Frey, currently the Assisting Bishop of the Episcopal Diocese of the Rio Grande. Here's a link for more information about him: Bp. Frey

I've re-read the book, and found so much that I want to reflect on, that I thought I'd share it here on the blog with you.

I'll start with a brief one, since I'm typing this in the wee hours.

From the chapter entitled "Unnatural Acts":

"I always tell people that if they really want to commit an unnatural sexual act, they should get married and remain faithful to their spouse ''til death do us part.'"

Something to think about...more to come.

A personal plea

2009-08-04T00:22:00.003-05:00

Gentle Readers,
For the past several months I have been looking for a teaching position that 1) is closer to my home and 2) deals with students in grades PK-2. I've applied to several districts and now it is August, with no prospects in sight.

I need to kick things up several notches, but am stuck as to how to do so. (I've looked at subbing, but it involves a pay cut, which we can't afford.) Thus, I'm inert and starting to lose heart.

Anyone have any ideas, leads or simply words of encouragement?

I'd greatly appreciate them!

Blessings,
E

Addendum

2009-08-02T23:25:00.003-05:00

I'd like to add that while I speak of "my" church, it is actually "our" church, as both my husband R and I are members. However, since this is a blog of my journey, I will most often refer to our church as "my" church.

Just wanted to clear that up.

Turning the Corner

2009-08-02T23:00:00.005-05:00

Gentle Readers,
Wow. When we let God heal, it's amazing how quickly we can experience it. Since letting go of so much that I thought I couldn't, God has filled the void with so many blessings -- new opportunities, new friends, deeper relationships with old friends, and deeper relationships with my husband and family.

My new church is gradually becoming simply MY church. That is, I have allowed myself to be accepted into this community and now feel that I am truly part of it. Today some friends and my husband visited my church. I wanted to be a good host and hoped that they had as good an experience as I did. It was as if I was hosting a visit to my house, my home. It felt good to hear them say good things about my church, because I so wanted them to be welcomed into it.

I've had to humble myself and accept that I'm not a big fish in a small pond. I'm in a bigger pond, and I'm a much smaller fish in it. That's OK. There's still a lot to learn, and I certainly don't need to experience another meteoric rise and fall. I'll do what I've been called to do -- tend to the altar, sing, read, assist in Communion -- and be a good host to those who visit.

I'd like to revise something I told Fr. Y and my friends. I had said that I wouldn't let anyone get in the way of what God's called me to do. That's not correct. Here's what I should have said: God won't let anyone or anything get in the way of what He's called me to do.

As with everything else: if it is of God, it will be a success. If not, then it won't.

I hope that the time will come when true reconciliation will happen with some members of my old church. But I also have to accept that it might not happen until we meet in the presence of God in Heaven. My decision is to forgive -- them and myself. Feelings come and go -- but this decision is here to stay.

Be blessed,
E

The Child

2009-08-01T11:28:00.002-05:00

Something that seems fitting for this season of my spiritual life -- I wrote it four years ago after another church move, but it seems even more appropriate now.

She finds herself in a new home.
The tormenting blows are gone,
and yet,
she cannot rest.

She likes it here
with her new family.
They embrace her as their own.
But she longs for those she left behind:
her playmates,
her dog,
her room,
the parent who crushed her trusting heart.

She likes it here
with her new family.
She basks in their warm affection.
She quietly bears her hidden wounds
as they slowly, painfully heal.

She likes it here
with her new family.
And yes –

She will love again.

(2005)

Yes, I'm Powerless.

2009-07-29T06:11:00.004-05:00

Just thinking about how things went haywire at my old church -- really not so much with the whole church, but with just a couple of people, but that was enough, given their positions.

Stepping off the mea culpa express -- no more guilt trips for me. I am responsible for my part in the bad situation. Others are responsible for their parts. And I am powerless to change what has already happened or what they chose to do or what they choose to do. I can only, with God's help, change what I choose to do now and in the future.

Found the Serenity Prayer in my email this morning. Twelve step groups use the first four lines as part of their meetings, here it is in its entirety:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Amen and amen! Be blessed!
E

Well. Isn't It Ironic

2009-07-25T08:19:00.003-05:00

From Alanis Morissette:

I'm getting settled in my new church home, and then hear that changes, including the transfer of Fr. X, are taking place at my old church.

I'm no church-hopper. Besides, I think the stability of our present church will be good for our family.

Hm. Isn't it ironic, don'tcha think.

Micro and Macro

2009-07-22T20:33:00.004-05:00

Reading about the ongoing problems within the Episcopal Church and my conversation with Father Y made me think about this: What goes on in our personal lives is often reflective of what is going on in the world around us, and vice versa.

Based on that thesis, I have these questions:

Can people of goodwill disagree on important issues without straining the bonds of affection for one another?

Should people who wish to live their faith in community set aside "rightness" in order to pursue a greater good?

If we agree that in general, divorce is to be avoided, can there rightly be a time when a person must end a relationship with a community in order to thrive spiritually?

There is also another aspect to this "micro" and "macro" idea. That is, an individual church can be seen as kind of a microcosm of the Church, and moving from one church to another is like simply moving from one "room" to another in the larger Christian Church. This is a comforting idea, because it reminds me that we are all one as Christians, no matter what church (or part of the Church) we join or leave.

John 14:2 "In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you." (KJV)

So many incomplete thoughts...I'll just stop here for now.

And Now for Something Completely Different...

2009-07-18T23:26:00.003-05:00

A little counting of blessings here...

I was my friend P's guest at her family reunion today. Had a very nice time listening to family stories, looking at old photos and eating lots of BBQ. We were even treated to a nice rain shower, which was much appreciated, since Texas has been like a desert these past several months. Missed the hailstorm that my family experienced at home.

It was good to be welcomed so warmly. I guess even with the dysfunctional parts (which all families have!), I can see that my friend P comes from good folks.

Makes me so glad to have her and her husband T as friends.

Thanks be to God!

I guess I've turned a corner here

2009-07-18T00:35:00.002-05:00

I mentioned to my husband last night that, being at my present church, this will be the first time I have ever had a pastor younger than me (even though it's only by a few months).

Hmmm...

Luke 15:25-32 – The Parable of the Loving Father (July 2004, edited Nov. 2005)

2009-07-18T00:17:00.003-05:00

Mending Wall -- Robert Frost

2009-07-13T21:23:00.002-05:00

Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it
And spills the upper boulder in the sun,
And make gaps even two can pass abreast.
The work of hunters is another thing:
I have come after them and made repair
Where they have left not one stone on a stone,
But they would have the rabbit out of hiding,
To please the yelping dogs. The gaps I mean,
No one has seen them made or heard them made,
But at spring mending-time we find them there,
I let my neighbor know beyond the hill;
And on a day we meet to walk the line
And set the wall between us once again.
We keep the wall between us as we go.
To each the boulders that have fallen to each.
And some are loaves and some so nearly balls
We have to use a spell to make them balance:
"Stay where you are until our backs are turned!"
We wear our fingers rough with handling them.
Oh, just another kind of outdoor game,
One on a side. It comes to little more:
There where it is we do not need the wall:
He is all pine and I am apple orchard.
My apple trees will never get across
And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.
He only says, "Good fences make good neighbors."
Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder
If I could put a notion in his head:
"Why do they make good neighbors? Isn't it
Where there are cows? But here there are no cows.
Before I built a wall I'd ask to know
What I was walling in or walling out,
And to whom I was like to give offense.
Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That wants it down." I could say "Elves" to him,
But it's not elves exactly, and I'd rather
He said it for himself. I see him there,
Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top
In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed.
He moves in darkness as it seems to me,
Not of woods only and the shade of trees.
He will not go behind his father's saying,
And he likes having thought of it so well
He says again, "Good fences make good neighbors."

For some reason, I thought about this poem today. Frost is one of my favorite poets.

So, do good fences make good neighbors? And why would we continually go through the exercise of building walls, only to see them broken time and again?

One interpretation has to do with the necessity of having and maintaining personal boundaries. Indeed, it's a good thing to have healthy boundaries, and sometimes things break them down and they need repairing. But in relationships, healthy ones anyway, the repairing is a communal process.

But the neat thing about poetry is that there is rarely only one reasonable interpretation. Frost himself never gave interpretations of his poetry, preferring that readers come to their own conclusions.

It is interesting that the narrator questions the act of wall-building even as he is actively involved in it. His neighbor, on the other hand, does what has always been done, without thought. "He moves in darkness..." he has no need for the light (of thought, of reflection) because the task is so well-known that he can do it in the dark.

Might there be a parallel with our faith, that when we question it, we force ourselves to look deeper into why we believe what we do? I think when we don't question, we lose the opportunity to look deeper into ourselves and our faith. We lose the opportunity to deepen our relationship with our Lord.

Romans 8:28, Philippians 4:4

2009-07-12T22:03:00.006-05:00

We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.

Well, it's been a much happier day than I have experienced in a long time. I am guessing that God is working, even as I grieve my departure from my old parish, to show me that I can indeed rejoice in all things, that things are working together for good. I've contacted the appropriate people to serve my new parish in ways that match my gifts, and I pray that I will serve God in a fitting manner through these ministries.

Already I am slated to sing as part of a duet for our offertory anthem next Sunday! Well, I guess we'll see how things go during practice and see if the duet actually happens. I think it will be fine, but I'll reserve judgment until Tuesday's practice. I'll read during Mass sometime in August, which is just fine, because I can spend some time observing how things are done at this church.

After seeing some friends from my old parish (who are also at my new one), I am starting to make some sense out of the whole sad experience regarding my former parish. For the record, I did not share any details of my experience, but rather listened to theirs. And not everything was negative, sometimes things are just a better fit someplace else. (I add this for the benefit of my readers who still attend my former church, and whom I love.) As for my experience, it's a shame, because things started out so well. I am a bit afraid that a similar experience might happen at my present parish, though I must remind myself that these are different people, different situations. I'll talk with Father Y next week about this.

Just as a side note...Facebook has played a significant role in connecting with my new parish. I had "met" several people there, including Father Y, even before considering a transfer. And FB still plays a role in maintaining connections from high school and my former congregations.

It just shows again that all things, including social networking, work together for good, for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.

Amen! Alleluia!

Update and Clarification

2009-07-10T22:25:00.003-05:00

Gentle Readers,
Some things have changed recently and I have transferred to a new parish. Still sorting out what that means to me, so it will be a while before any thoughts on that reach the blog.

However, I noticed that I have some posts where I mention things said by "my priest". Of course, beginning now, "my priest" will be a different person. I may go back and edit some posts, referring to the priest at my old church as "Father X". Then any new posts will refer to the one at my present church as "Father Y".

Probably not important to anyone but me, but I like to keep the "cast of characters" straight.

Blessings,
E

A Personal Satan?

2009-07-09T23:08:00.005-05:00

I am sure someone with more theological knowledge will correct me if I am blatantly wrong.

My commute to and from work is about a good 30 minutes one way. So the drive gives me a lot of time to think and pray.

This morning an interesting thought came to mind: What if there is a such thing as a personal Satan?

Mind you, this is NOT something I want.

What I mean by "Personal Satan" is all those things that keep me away from God -- my areas of weakness, my Achilles's heel.

I thought about it for a while and concluded that the thing that keeps me furthest from God is very close to the thing that brings me closest to God -- my relationships with other people. Sometimes it's a person that helps me see what God has in store for me, what His will for me is. Many times finding God's gifts and discerning God's will is achieved in community. But other times, it's worrying about what people think, what they will do (which is beyond my control), how do they feel about me, that lures me away from God. A Personal Satan.

Maybe I'll come back to this and expand on it. But that's all I have for now.

Blessings,
E

Forgive Us Our Debts

2009-07-05T19:50:00.005-05:00

The King James version of the Lord's Prayer goes like this:

After this manner therefore pray ye:
Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil:
For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.
(Matthew 6:9-13)

I found this meaningful quote on forgiveness in Blake Coffee's Blog "The Church Whisperer" http://churchwhisperer.com:

Forgiveness is more about wiping away a debt. It is saying to a person, “You owe me nothing more…no money, no apology, no hugs, no sympathy cards, nothing…I really am no longer looking for any of that from you…you are released from any moral or ethical or legal obligations to me for this pain…as much as is possible, we are going to move forward now and I will not be holding this over you any longer, waiting to hit you on the head with it if you mess up again…I will not be keeping score because where I am concerned your slate is now wiped clean…I wish the very best for you and God’s blessings on you.” Forgiveness isn’t something we wait to feel, it is something we communicate to the person who hurt us irrespective of how we feel.

We don't use this version very often in our churches, but the use of the word debt really struck me today. When I forgive someone, I'm charged to wipe the slate clean, to let go of any expectation of "payment," so to speak. No further explanation, apology, or expression of regret is required, because the debt is forgiven. Yes, I might feel that I'm "owed" one or more of these things, but now I'm making the decision to forgive the debt, to allow the debtor to start fresh.

It's a very concrete way of looking at forgiveness. Like if I had a problem with a credit card debt and the company allows me to pay part or none and forgives the debt. Afterward, I can start fresh, without late fees or other penalties hanging over my head. I respond best to concrete examples, things that I can wrap my head around.

Oftentimes, I have had trouble forgiving because I felt that I had been "paid" part or none of what I was "owed" for my suffering. The quote marks are intentional, because these words are indicative of my feelings, whether or not they are based on fact. When I forgive my debtor, I let go of keeping track of whatever I feel is owed me. We have the opportunity to start fresh, to restore and repair without old debts hanging over our heads.

I am looking forward to using this definition of forgiveness in the situations I encounter in my life. I think it's very do-able. Hard, but do-able. By using the concept of forgiving a debt, I'm able to separate my feelings from my forgiveness, and maybe I can give my feelings a fighting chance of catching up.

Amen.

I'm Not Who I Was -- Brandon Heath

2009-07-05T01:41:00.004-05:00

"...Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us."

To paraphrase Father X, we are changing, every second, every fraction of a second. We can choose to let God be the change agent in us.

I'm not who I was! Thanks be to God!

Amen!

What's Love Got to Do with It? Part 2

2009-07-04T13:47:00.008-05:00

I'm going to attempt to describe several attributes of love in this post. First, let me list a few things that Love is Not:

Unconditional Approval of what a person does or thinks
Being inseparable from the other to the point of losing one's self
Mushy, gushy sentiment (OK, mush is good sometimes, but not without substance along with it.)
Appreciation of what another does for you (It's loving to do so, but it's not Love.)
Trying to mold another, or the relationship with another, into something you want.

I can probably go further, but I think you get the picture.

So...what IS Love?

Love IS...
Unconditional Acceptance of a person as beloved of God. When we look at others as God's beloved children, we look beyond anything that they do or believe and love that which belongs to God. Do we approve, like or ignore that which is wrong or evil in some persons? No. It would not be loving to do so. I'll expand on that a little later.

The lesson in this for me is to accept people as they are. To accept what they are able to give at a given time. To accept changes in people as neither good nor bad, in most cases. I will see even the annoying and hurtful people in my life as beloved of God, and accept that they are doing the best they can in a given circumstance. This is so, so hard sometimes, especially when there are people who hurt not only me, but members of my family.

Now to expand that previous point about not allowing wrong or evil to go unnoticed. Love means sometimes allowing people to experience the consequences of their actions, for good or ill. For example, if someone breaks the law, it would be unloving to allow that person to get a free pass and continue breaking the law. To deal with the consequences sooner rather than later, allows the law-breaker the opportunity to repent and lead a more Godly, productive life. It reduces the number of people victimized by that particular person's actions. Pursuing justice (not revenge) is a loving act.

Love sometimes is telling the beloved something he or she would rather not hear. I call it getting a "reality check". Some reality checks confirm what I think, some challenge those thoughts. I trust certain people in my life to tell me the truth as they see it, because sometimes clarity is achieved by seeing something from another angle. I believe that telling the truth -- gently, and with great care -- is one of the most loving things a person can do.

Love is -- sometimes -- the mushy, romantic stuff. Depends on the relationship, of course, but I treasure those times when my husband surprises me with remembering our first date, or says he loves me with all his heart. When I express my love for him in words and actions, spiritually, physically -- this too, is Love.

Love is reaching out to meet the needs of the beloved, and placing my own needs lower on the list. That's kind of countercultural nowdays, as conventional wisdom urges us all to fight, argue, and stand up for our own needs first and foremost.

Love is what St. Paul described to the Corinthians in the popular Bible passage, 1 Corinthians 13:1-13.

If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends. But as for prophecies, they will come to an end; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will come to an end. For we know only in part, and we prophesy only in part; but when the complete comes, the partial will come to an end. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face.

Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known. And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love.

Be aware that Paul was writing to a church in discord. Members were arguing about practices, whom to follow, and these conflicts were threatening to tear the church apart. I see this around me not only in some of my personal relationships, but within my beloved Episcopal Church. It pains me to see such division in the Church, with each side believing it is in the right. But I when I read what I wrote above about love, how can I fault either side when each claims to be working in the name of justice and God's will? I see troubling beliefs and practices on both sides, and I wish both would somehow merge what is good and right and allow the rest to fall away. Good Lord, deliver us.

Love is forgiving the beloved when they hurt you. I found a wonderful blog comment that describes what I believe:

"But simply because you might get angry or annoyed with someone, even if you don't like them for a time, that does not mean that you do not love them. Love and like are two different animals...If you want proof of God, or more particularly, of the Holy Spirit, here it is, because that is something that we could never do on our own all by ourselves. It is the Holy Spirit, not us, that allows us to do that. The Holy Spirit gives us the grace to do the impossible, to love even those we do not particularly like, to forgive those who have injured us to the core, to be patient with those who annoy us to no end. Such things are impossible for something that is merely the accidental product of evolution, but because there is God, the impossible is made possible."
"Bender" Blog Comment, "Conversion Diary"

There's also this from the Book of Common Prayer, the Rite of Reconciliation, p. 451:
Priest: "Do you forgive those who have sinned against you?" Penitent: "I forgive them."

Love also includes myself. Jesus said, “'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’" (Matthew 22:37-39). My take on this is in the form of a poem I wrote in my college days:

Can I love you
As I love myself?

Would you want a love
Based on conditions,
Requirements,
And impossible demands?
Would you want to feel
The guilt of always falling short?

Then I’m afraid I can’t love you
As I love myself.
I must change the love I have
So that it becomes a fitting gift to you.

Because I must first love myself
As I want to love you
Before I love you.

1985, revised 2008

I know greater minds than mine have written about this, but hey, what's a blog if you don't write what you think? It's far, far, from complete, but I hope I've given you, Gentle Reader, a little food for thought.

My continuing challenge -- to live as I profess to believe. God help me.

Love,
E

The Rule of Benedict: Part 3 -- Stability

2009-07-03T17:04:00.004-05:00

(I realize I'm posting a lot today, but my blogging, like so many things, seems to come in spurts. So enjoy now, a dry spell might be around the corner.)

Stability
Stability is a virtue that is at odds with our culture. We want it all and we want it “yesterday.” With microwaves, high-speed Internet, email and instant everything, we have lost the ability to be patient and wait. In my own life, this impatience often manifests itself in expecting a same-day response to an email sent in the morning.

Monastic stability consists of centeredness, commitment and relationships (Chittister, Wisdom 150).

To be centered is to have our center focused on something larger than ourselves – to be where God is and to know that God is where we are. Recently I wrote a poem that describes my own longing for centeredness.

Looking for You

I climb a ladder to reach you,
Deep inside my spirit.

The night stars twinkle,
Dazzling light illumines the way.

I reach out my hand,
My fist grasps only air.

You can’t live long without it.

Empty rooms beckon,
I fill them with comfortable words.

Hold me close by your side,
Hold me in your light.

I eat and drink.
You fill me with nourishing hope,
Fill me with delight.

I flounder in the darkness,
Why won’t I remove the blindfold?

I Search.
And you cannot be found.

I Surrender.
And your presence surrounds me.

The last couplet, especially, points to the need to be still, to stop the frenetic activity and allow ourselves to experience the God who has been present all along.

Centeredness is what enables us to weather the changes in life over which we have no control. This is reflected in the philosophy of twelve-step recovery groups. Step One reads, “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (or any other addictive or problem condition) – and that our lives had become unmanageable.” Step Two adds: “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” Step Three continues, “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.” It is that centeredness in something larger than our problems that helps us overcome them.

The next element of stability is commitment. Commitment is another value that does not mesh with the prevailing values of our culture. So much of our life is disposable or interchangeable. We tend to quit when things get tough. Commitment – sticking it out during the tough times – gives us the opportunity to learn about ourselves and the opportunity to grow.

Committed people are those who strive to be pure of heart – to be the ones who can see God wherever they look. I wrote the following poem in response to a discussion about the "pure of heart."

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God
In every one and every thing.

In the young and in the old,
In the poor and in the rich,

In the light and in the shadow,
In the heavens and on the earth.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God
In every one and every thing.

In the trees and in the soil,
In sickness and in health,

In joy and in sorrow,
In life and in death.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God
In every one and every thing.

Being able to see God in everyone and everything gives us the ability to respectfully listen to one another because we are responding to the presence of God in each other. This seems easy as long as we confine this requirement to listening to those whom we like or with whom we agree. The challenge is to respond to God’s presence in those who irritate us, wrong us, or whose views differ profoundly from our own.

The third element of stability is relationship. The vow of stability is a call to connect deeply with others. We confuse “community” with living in groups. We live in apartment buildings and neighborhoods without knowing one another’s names. We work for the same companies, attend the same schools, and never see one another (Chittister, Wisdom 155).

How can we maintain stability in a mobile society? Rev. Lovejoy, the beleaguered pastor in Fox TV’s “The Simpsons,” sums up the lack of stability in our society in his lament: "Today's Christian doesn't think he needs God. He's got his Hi Fi, his boob tube, and his instant pizza pie." People choose isolation over connection. Mobility is not the enemy – alienation is. When we are so disconnected from the world that the sufferings of others do not affect us, we become “a cardboard cutout that breathes” (Chittister, Wisdom 156-7).

So where is our hope for stability? We hope in the consistency of God, not our own strength or fidelity. It is God’s fidelity that keeps us going when things get tough. Stability gives us time in life, time for God and time for others (Chittister, Wisdom 156).

Conclusion
I have found, in the course of studying the Rule to write this paper, that living by the Rule seems to fit what I am seeking for my life. My friend (from the Introduction) was right – through this assignment, I have found a way to articulate what the vows – obedience, conversion of life, and stability – mean to me at this time. I’ve added “at this time” because with time, experience and formation, these views can change or deepen.

In short, I need to be able to listen intently for God’s voice, whether through my superiors, my peers, my body or some other source. I need to be open to change in my life and in myself and to use that to grow closer to God. I need to realize I am connected to others around me and to know how my actions affect them. In the midst of changes in myself and in the world around me, I can ground myself in the stability of God’s unchanging, unwavering faithfulness.

Benedict describes his Rule as a “little rule for beginners.” I believe by incorporating his “little rule” in my life, I can deepen my relationship with God and other people. By doing so I could, in some small way, effect positive change in the larger world.

The Rule of Benedict: Part 2 -- Conversion of Life

2009-07-03T10:33:00.005-05:00

Conversion of Life

Conversion of life – conversatio morum – is a person’s life-long process of being transformed as he follows Christ. Thomas Merton described it as “A commitment to total inner transformation.” In the Prologue, Benedict tells us “God in his love will show you the way of life.” This is a call to metanoia, a real turning around of one’s life (de Waal, Seeking 69). I remember in the midst of my deepest depression being faced with a decision – to allow my illness to define my identity – or to strive for true repentance, doing everything in my power to regain (and improve) my health.

In my autobiography, I stated that Easter had become a Holy Day of profound significance for me. Conversatio forces us to face death itself through a series of lesser deaths throughout our lives – such as the loss of health, relationships, abilities, possessions – until we reach that last, ultimate death. But from death comes new life. New patterns of life and work grow only through letting go of the old patterns and accepting change (de Waal, Seeking 74). In my own life I have seen this in the taking on of responsibilities that I would have been less likely to have done before. My old pattern of being the support person for my partner gave way to a call to lead in some areas that I would not have considered before, such as the re-establishment of Morning Prayer in the parish.

Chapter Four of the Rule, “The Tools for Good Works,” consists of a number of axioms intended to help us face the demands of growth and change. We are expected to be mature, to take responsibility for ourselves. Numbers 34 to 42 address psychological wellbeing, beginning with “You must not be proud.” Pride hurts my psychological health because it is a need to control – my day, my future, others in my life, my world (de Waal, Seeking 75-6). Many recovery programs start with letting go of this unrealistic need for control.

We experience conversatio by redirecting our thoughts. Evagrius says, “Readings, vigils and prayer—these are the things that lend stability to the wandering mind. Hunger, toil and solitude are the means of extinguishing the flames of desire. Turbid anger is calmed by the singing of Psalms – by patience and almsgiving.” The goal of our conversion is to form ourselves – our souls and bodies – toward the Lamb who reigns at the center of the universe, the one who reigns in the center of our hearts (D. Earle, Sermon, May 2004).

The Rule of Benedict: Part 1 -- Obedience

2009-07-03T02:54:00.006-05:00

Several years ago, I considered becoming a member of a the Companions of St. Luke, a Benedictine Religious Community in the Episcopal Church. It was not a community in the sense that all members lived in the same place, as in a convent or monastery, but a spiritually-connected community. The community would meet from time to time to provide for that physical experience of community, but members were expected to remain in community through phone, email, and snail mail contact, and in the practice of prayer and following the Rule of Benedict.

An explanation of what the Rule is can be found here: Rule of Benedict.

I am finding that I want to try, once again, to apply the Rule to my life. The teachings of this long-ago monk have relevance to my life, especially as I work towards reconciliation with my friend and with my church.

With that introduction, I will reprint the first part of a reflection paper I wrote when I put together my package for membership consideration. For convenience, I will place my "Works Cited" section at the beginning, rather than its usual place at the end.

Works Cited

Chittister, Joan. The Rule of Benedict: Insights for the Ages. New York: The Crossroad Publishing Company, 1999.

Chittister, Joan. Wisdom Distilled from the Daily. San Francisco: Harper San Francisco, 1991.

de Waal, Esther. Living with Contradiction: An Introduction to Benedictine Spirituality. Harrisburg, PA: Morehouse Publishing, 1997.

de Waal, Esther. Seeking God. Collegeville, MN: The Liturgical Press, 1984.

Earle, The Rev. Doug. Personal Email. 14 May 2004.

Earle, The Rev. Doug. Sermon: Sixth Sunday of Easter. St. Paul’s Episcopal Church. San Antonio, 16 May 2004.

Earle, The Rev. Mary. Broken Body, Healing Spirit: Lectio Divina and Living with Illness. Harrisburg, PA: Morehouse Publishing, 2003.

Vest, Norvene. Desiring Life. Boston: Cowley Publications, 2000.

The Rule of Benedict:
Reflections on the Vows of Obedience,
Conversion of Life and Stability

Introduction
What a daunting task, to try to explain how the Rule and the vows associated with it – obedience, conversion of life, and stability – relate to me and today’s society. While pondering how to do this, I mentioned to a friend my difficulty in articulating what “obedience” meant to me. Her reply was “That’s why they (the Community) gave you this assignment.” I think she has a point –I certainly need to understand what it is I will promise to do, should my discernment lead to becoming a Companion.

In these reflections, I will use examples to illustrate the precepts of the Rule. I will explain what the Rule and vows mean to me and examine how living according to them can affect today’s society.

Obedience
When I hear the word “obedience,” I tend to imagine the soldier who obeys orders without question. Obedience, in this sense, seems to require that one “checks in his mind at the door.” So it seems that before I can promise to be obedient, I need to know “What is obedience?”

Obedience has been defined as “holy listening.” The Prologue begins with the word, “Listen,” and continues with the instruction to listen “with the ear of your heart.”

But what do we listen to?

First, we listen to God because he is the ultimate authority in our lives. We are to listen to what God wants in any given situation and as the Prologue states, "welcome it and faithfully put it into practice" (Chittister, Rule of Benedict 20). In the eleventh step of twelve-step recovery programs, a person prays to know God's will and for the power to carry that out.

Next, we listen to those persons who are in positions of authority over us. However, obedience is not living for the sake of an authority figure. That is dependence and an abdication of personal responsibility. The person who is dependent tries to become the other rather than a full expression of him- or herself (Chittister, Wisdom 137- 8). I see dependence as someone hoping that an authority figure will “shine his light” upon her so that she might be able to reflect that light. Thus, the dependent person ceases to be herself, but rather becomes merely a pale reflection of the authority figure.

Rather than dependence, listening to those in authority means accepting that I am not the sole judge of right and wrong. I alone do not possess all the knowledge I need to make right decisions. Obedience to those in authority means accepting the guidance of those entrusted to lead.

One obstacle to obedience is our Western culture's value of independence, which can be confused with license. License means that an individual is accountable only to himself. The individual becomes his own small world, in which he is the sole measure of meaning in his life (Chittister, Wisdom 139). The medieval notion of sin was curvatos en se or "curved in upon oneself" (D. Earle, Email, May 2004). This “curving in” is the sin of pride, considered the worst of the seven deadly sins because it takes one's capacity for union with God and turns into obsession with oneself (Vest 81).

We are called to be humble, to recognize our limitations and weaknesses, and to allow others to help us grow. We listen to the voice of God in others. Humility also keeps us from being judgmental of others’ weaknesses (de Waal, Seeking 47). Monastics choose to place themselves under the authority of a prior or prioress, so that they "no longer live by their own judgment, giving in to their whims and appetites." (RB 5) They accept the guidance of someone who will help them stay on the right road. The Rule alone is not enough (Chittister, Rule of Benedict 58).

On the other hand, obedience does not negate the requirement of personal responsibility. We have to listen to our consciences – the internal authority that discerns between right and wrong actions (Chittister, Wisdom 138). When I was in the Air Force, I attended a training course for junior officers. One of the topics we discussed was the idea that while we were required to obey our superiors, we also had a responsibility to question, and get the guidance of a higher authority if necessary, if an order seemed to go against what we believed was morally correct. We are still responsible for what we do. Those who were involved in the abuse of Iraqi prisoners are accountable for their actions. They, and we, cannot use the excuse of "just following orders" (as the sister of one accused soldier asserts) to justify wrong actions.

Chapter 68 of the Rule addresses when one is assigned an “impossible task.” When a person disagrees with a task or request, he is to “choose the appropriate moment and explain patiently to the prioress or abbot” why he cannot perform the task. The Rule allows for discussion and disagreement, but if the request still stands, we must “in love obey.” Sometimes we have to trust that the people we have entrusted as leaders have the “big picture” in view. Sometimes we have to be pushed beyond our comfort level in order to grow (Chittister, Rule of Benedict 173-4).

How does obedience differ from “compliance”? A person can be forced to comply with an order or requirement. A person can be compliant and still be a detriment to the community by constantly complaining. In contrast, obedience means that one willingly exercises free choice in carrying out an order or fulfilling a request. (Chittister, Rule of Benedict 59) To me, that implies that there is a measure of trust and respect in obedience that is lacking in compliance.

So, while I hope I have built a clear case for obedience up to this point – I also believe there is a time to be disobedient. However, the decision to disobey must not be taken lightly. There is often a high cost for disobedience, whether in legal consequences or in expulsion from an organization. And there is also the chance one could be wrong in the conclusions that were made leading to the act of disobedience. This decision, like other discernment decisions, should be made after prayer and consultation with trusted others to ensure that the decision is being made for the right reasons. I am reminded of the civil rights movement and the practice of “civil disobedience,” used to peacefully contest unjust laws. The soldier who became the “whistleblower” and reported the abuse of Iraqi prisoners apparently disobeyed his immediate superiors. But in both cases, the people involved were trying to be obedient to a higher authority.

We also use holy listening to listen to our bodies. In our culture, we tend to either be disconnected from our flesh, or we obsess over perfecting it. Mary Earle, writing about living with illness, says when we are ill we become more conscious of the inner workings of our bodies. The body “turns out to be a rich and varied text, full of layers of meaning.” When we read our bodies and tend to them we can become more aware of the intimate presence of Christ, “in whom all things (including every cell of our bodies) hold together” (M. Earle 8-9).

Monastic or not, we are all called to live in community. The Rule trains people to live in community. Within the community is sanctification through community values and virtues, mutual support, and examples of life lived well. Life in community provides its members the opportunity to hear the voice of God in one another, see the face of God in one another, and experience both patience and power. Members of a community have the opportunity to obey Christ’s command to serve one another (Chittister, Wisdom 140).

Chapter 71 of the Rule addresses the idea of mutual obedience. Benedict does not say we should only obey those in leadership positions; he also requires that we be obedient to one another, and especially to our elders. We are to respect one another and listen to one another. When there are misunderstandings, the Rule requires contrition, forgiveness and reconciliation, rather than defensiveness, justification or excuses (Chittister, Rule of Benedict 176-7). As our Church wrestles with difficult questions regarding human sexuality, its members would do well to listen intently to one another and to follow the Rule’s teachings on dealing with conflict.

What's Love Got to Do With It? -- Evelyn Underhill

2009-07-02T19:36:00.009-05:00

I've seen her name come up in a friend's blog (Fr. Mike Marsh's "Interrupting the Silence") and also a post in the email list for the Episcopal Church's House of Bishops and House of Deputies. (I'm a read-only member of that list.) I think Underhill will be on my reading list very soon.

From Wikipedia, a brief biography of Evelyn Underhill:

Evelyn Underhill (December 6, 1875 – June 15, 1941) was an English Anglo-Catholic writer and pacifist known for her numerous works on religion and spiritual practice, in particular Christian mysticism.

In the English-speaking world, she was one of the most widely read writers on such matters in the first half of the twentieth century. No other book of its type—until the appearance in 1946 of Aldous Huxley's The Perennial Philosophy—met with success to match that of her best-known work, Mysticism, published in 1911.

Here's a quote on love:

This wide and generous spirit of love, not the religious egotist's longing to get away from the world to God, is the fruit of true self-oblation; for a soul totally possessed by God is a soul totally possessed by Charity. By the path of self-offering, the Church and the soul have come up to the frontiers of the Holy. There we are required, not to cast the world from us, but to do our best for all others as well as ourselves.

Underhill's quote speaks of an expansive love, not "love" that constricts, or isolates people from the world around them. Love is not just between the lovers in a couple, or among members of a family, or in a community. When one is filled by God -- by Love -- that person has so much love to give, he gives it all those around him.

(Now, love is not just warm fuzzies given to a person no matter what, or mushy, gushy stuff. I'll write about what I think love looks like in another post.)

And because I like the song, and it's my post title, here's Tina Turner's song of the same name:

Convicted by God

2009-07-01T20:07:00.005-05:00

There are some religious folk who use the phrase "convicted by God." I don't hear it much -- if at all -- in Episcopal or Catholic circles, but it's a useful concept. Basically it's God making me aware of where I fall short and calling me to repentance. Some people hear God speaking in a human voice; however, I experience God's voice in a variety of ways, often in music.

Making amends, allowing God to work in me, following His will, turning away from thoughts and behaviors that hurt myself and others -- this is repentance to me.

Here's a song through which God spoke to me. It's by Sanctus Real, a Contemporary Christian group:

Here are the lyrics:

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

Taking Stock

2009-06-29T20:58:00.003-05:00

It's not just the rich and famous that make you take stock of your own life. I just found out that RC, a high school classmate and Facebook friend, is battling a serious illness. I don't know what he has, but it is life-threatening, according to his girlfriend T, another Facebook friend.

I am keeping them both in my prayers. I know they will appreciate it if you would pray for them too. May God give both RC and T strength and comfort. May RC be healed from his illness.

Life is too short to dwell on the negative.

Life is too short.

Excerpts from an Email to My Priest (Father X)

2009-06-28T22:48:00.006-05:00

Hi,
I wanted to add that, besides having a delightful visit with your mom and brother, I was glad I came to (church) because the Gospel and your sermon today had a most excellent message for me: "Do not fear, only believe." It’s in line with what I have already been exploring in my blog...

...I hadn’t noticed before how much I had distanced myself from my fellow congregants. I realize there has been a vicious cycle of having nothing to give, because I haven’t been spiritually fed, and not being fed because I’ve not given anything...

You posed the challenge of living what I profess to believe. You know me well enough that I will take that challenge and run with it, hopefully with not too many stumbles.

Oh Gee, I Guess I AM That Transparent!

2009-06-28T22:08:00.002-05:00

I'm guessing some of my friends did take me up on my invitation and actually read this blog.

Tonight while visiting friends I haven't seen for a while, one told me "I thought you were leaving (home church)." I never said this directly, but evidently people who know me are smart enough to put two and two together and realize that I was considering the possibility.

Fortunately, that's no longer the case. But it does mean that I have some repair work to do, since if folks who aren't around me could figure it out, just think what those who were around me saw.

I guess my priest was right after all (Darn! I hate it when that happens!). I need to reconcile with my church as well as with certain individuals within it.

Can't I just wave a hand and make it all better? Why does reconciling have to take so long?!

Man in the Mirror -- MJ

2009-06-27T16:53:00.003-05:00

I love this song...I'm starting with the (wo) man in the mirror.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

2009-06-27T15:10:00.003-05:00

From the Rolling Stones -- The chorus says it all:

MJ, Farrah and Ed McMahon

2009-06-27T14:12:00.005-05:00

Well, there it is -- the set of three that's supposed to happen with deaths and disasters.

As a young girl, I was a huge fan of the Jackson 5 and Michael in particular. I liked his music through the '80s, before MJ became better known for his weirdness than his talent. After the sexual abuse allegations, and MJ's own strange statements about sharing his bed with boys (nonsexual, he claimed), listening to his music became more of a guilty pleasure. Was I somehow condoning his behavior by listening to and enjoying his music?

Of course, I knew better, but the thought still nagged at me. I worked around it by choosing to think of him only as he was before the weirdness took control of the headlines.

I had a mild panic attack as I drove home, hearing about MJ and Farrah. Both were icons of my youth, and MJ was only a few years older than me. I got short of breath thinking about my own mortality.

I'm not so sure as I used to be about everything happening for a reason. I'm sure the loved ones of these people are not thinking in those terms as they grieve. However, I am increasingly sure that God gives reason to everything that happens. That even the sad or bad times are redeemed by His grace, and He will help us make sense of things if we let Him.

One of my favorite Bible verses is this from St. Paul's letter to the Corinthians:

"No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:13

From this verse, I draw much strength. God gives reason to whatever happens, and He will equip me to deal with it, if I allow Him.

I believe these deaths, as others often do, remind me to live my life to the fullest now. I don't know how much time I have left, and I'm often guilty of letting myself be mired in the past or daydreaming about some unrealized future. My family, my friendships, my church, my career, and so on...and most of all, my Lord and Savior, deserve my full presence right now.

I can't let regret or fear render me inactive. My love, my devotion, my diligence are necessary NOW.

I can't waste time on needless anger or selfish pride. My focus on Christ, and living what I profess to believe is imperative NOW.

Amen!

Romans 12:9-18

2009-06-22T23:37:00.001-05:00

I'm making this my Rule of Life. God, help me.

9 Let love be genuine; hate what is evil, hold fast to what is good; ¹⁰love one another with mutual affection; outdo one another in showing honour. ¹¹Do not lag in zeal, be ardent in spirit, serve the Lord. ¹²Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer. ¹³Contribute to the needs of the saints; extend hospitality to strangers.

14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. ¹⁵Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. ¹⁶Live in harmony with one another; do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly; do not claim to be wiser than you are. ¹⁷Do not repay anyone evil for evil, but take thought for what is noble in the sight of all. ¹⁸If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

Oh, Poor Neglected Blog

2009-06-22T22:15:00.004-05:00

Well, just finished watching the train wreck that was Jon and Kate tonight. It's just so sad to see what was once a loving relationship (at least on some level) fall apart. Jon spoke of "being friends" with Kate. Personally, I don't get it. I guess one could be friendly, but friends after an intimate relationship has been destroyed? Not for a long, long time, if ever.

For me, there's a lesson to be learned from their tragic mess. While my personality is not quite so strong as Kate's, I've been known to push and push for something in a relationship, only to find that I've pushed the relationship away. I've lost and nearly lost relationships (friendships now, hubby and I are OK, thank God!) by pushing too hard.

I'll share some advice I gave a young friend recently, since I nearly lost a friend by "standing up for myself." You see, it's not the standing up, but how it's done that makes all the difference.

Here's what I shared with my friend:

"Hi, been trying to formulate a response because I've recently gone through something like this. When I was younger, I often thought I let people walk all over me. As I've gotten older, sometimes I've overcompensated by being overly aggressive in my self-defense. My take on this is first and foremost -- pray for God's wisdom and guidance. Second...pick your battles carefully. And third, if at all possible, stand up for yourself in a way that preserves the relationship with the other person. Heh, if you learn these things now, you won't be 40-something trying to find that right balance. Blessings to you!"

It's not being a doormat to be caring towards the other person with whom you have a conflict, especially if you want to keep the relationship. That's tough for me, since I had been so timid as a child and young adult.

By the way, I'm attending my home church now. Reconciliation is the order of the day. Can't say it's "all better" now, but the process has begun. And that is a Very Good Thing.

Don Piper

2009-06-10T23:49:00.003-05:00

Just read his book, 90 Minutes in Heaven. I read it in one night and part of the morning. I couldn't put it down.

Here's a link to his Facebook page: Don Piper

And here's a quote from the bio on his webpage: "His goal is to help bitter people become better, to turn disappointments into divine appointments. He calls it “finding a new normal” and he’s made it his life’s work."

A new normal.

That's what I'm looking at in my church and some of the relationships within it.

What divine appointment is within my current disappointment?

Four Years!!!

2009-06-10T22:18:00.003-05:00

On a much brighter note, my husband surprised me by inviting me to dinner and giving me a gift card for a "pampering" massage.

This was to celebrate the fourth anniversary of our first date.

So, so nice! I love that guy!

Returning Home

2009-06-10T21:53:00.005-05:00

So, the request to return home (my church home) was granted with some conditions. I guess my previous post on "time out" could apply here as well. I'm no longer heading a certain ministry.

I could choose to look at this as a time to regroup, and get my spiritual act together, so to speak. Too often the busyness of church life can take away from one's real purpose for being at church -- to worship God.

That's not to say that I didn't feel shocked, angry and disappointed at first. I still feel disappointed, but not so much shocked or angry.

I feel much like the Prodigal, who said "Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son (child)."

Well, I have a meeting tomorrow at noon. Prayers would be much appreciated.

“Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.”

2009-06-08T23:37:00.003-05:00

“I should have called it, something you somehow haven't to deserve.”
-- from "Death of the Hired Man" by Robert Frost

I have taken a first step towards returning home. I pray that I'll be taken in.

Oedipus and His Nana?

2009-06-08T22:17:00.002-05:00

Just stretching the concept of the "Oedipus complex" to cover grandparents.

My grandson S has a cute way of wedging himself between my husband and me whenever he sees us together on the couch. If we happen to be holding hands, he calmly grasps one of our hands and separates them. Then he snuggles up against me.

I wonder what he's thinking in that 20-month-old mind of his?

Surrender

2009-06-08T00:31:00.003-05:00

Here's a poem I wrote a few years ago that seems appropriate for what I'm experiencing now:

Looking for You

I climb a ladder to reach you,
Deep inside my spirit.

The night stars twinkle,
Dazzling light illumines the way.

I reach out my hand,
My fist grasps only air.

You can’t live long without it.

Empty rooms beckon,
I fill them with comfortable words.

Hold me close by your side,
Hold me in your light.

I eat and drink.
You fill me with nourishing hope,
Fill me with delight.

I flounder in the darkness,
Why won’t I remove the blindfold?

I Search.
And you cannot be found.

I Surrender.
And your presence surrounds me.

2006

Time Out

2009-06-07T22:39:00.004-05:00

Back in the day, the discipline method in vogue was the "time out". Theoretically (I say this because I'd rarely seen it actually go this way), a child who was having behavior problems was encouraged to go to another area of the classroom and take a "time out". When the child and the situation cooled off, the teacher would talk with the child and the child would rejoin the rest of the class and activities.

[Hmmm...it just occurred to me that this was the intent of excommunication as well.]

Usually it seemed more like being sent to the corner, except that the child faced the room instead of the wall.

This church situation I'm dealing with is giving me a new appreciation of the time out in its intended sense. Since going to my home church was giving me so much stress (and increasing the risk of snarky and otherwise uncivil behavior), I needed to have some time away. A friend I talked with recommended not skipping church altogether, but perhaps visiting a church or several churches to fill the void for now.

That was an important distinction, because I couldn't allow my emotional state to push God -- and my worship of Him -- away. Today, as I posted earlier, I visited another church. I left worship not only renewed, but with a renewed sense of appreciation of what I have at my home church.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to leave my time out yet. But when I do, I expect that I'll be better equipped to deal with the challenges of worshiping and living in community.

Have a blessed week!

There's No Place Like Home

2009-06-07T14:19:00.003-05:00

Time to click those ruby red slippers.

I visited another church this morning. It was nice to have the option of an early service, even though I understand why my church doesn't. (It tends to split the congregation into sub-congregations.) There were things I liked about the service, but I missed my "home."

I look at churches as families -- especially for those who really connect and get involved. In a hierarchical structure that is the Episcopal Church, there is a clear "Father" (or "Mother" for a female priest) figure. In our church it would be our priest. I also see in our church a "Mother" figure in my friend P, a longtime member of the church and mother figure to many. She's the one people tend to call when they need information or help that the priest can't give.

Anyway, I felt like I was visiting a relative's home today. It was another Episcopal Church, and we're all Christians. It was nice, but not home.

The problem with having a clear parent figure is that when there's a falling out, it's really hard to just attend services and ignore that person. It feels like when a kid has an OK relationship with "Mom" but has a conflict with "Dad". I guess I'm seeing some old family dynamics after all; although I had a more conflicted relationship with my mom, if I had a problem with my dad, it was so hard to feel worthy enough to reconcile.

Well, got to go shopping with the family. More on this later.

Church-Community-Independence-Solitary

2009-05-31T21:48:00.004-05:00

I had a conversation with a friend recently about different kinds of churches. We compared independent nondenominational churches with those which are part of a denomination.

My view is that there is a potential problem with nondenominational churches because of their independence. That is, there are no checks and balances to keep a pastor from becoming corrupt with his power and authority. Also, there is no larger church structure to help individuals and individual churches discern what God's will may be for them.

Faith cannot grow independent of community. Our relationship with God is personal, but not only personal. Like a human family, we also have a communal relationship with our Heavenly Father.

The irony of what I was saying was not lost on me. That is, as I am on a more or less independent spiritual journey, apart from my home church, here I am talking about the importance of community. My response? Balance. Sometimes one has to be the community member, and sometimes one has to be the hermit, or solitary. I am on a more solitary leg of my faith journey right now; but in time, it will be time to rejoin the community, or join a new community.

I miss not having a personal mentor for this leg of my journey, but I know that in God's time, and in His fashion, that too will be taken care of. Maybe at this time, I will have several "mentors", each helping with a particular part of the journey. Some may provide guidance. Others, support. And I hope all will pray for me.

New Deck Cover

2009-05-31T18:20:00.006-05:00

Here are some pics of the new deck cover my husband built. Enjoy!

So the Journey Continues...

2009-05-31T12:49:00.008-05:00

Well, I tried attending my present church -- just as a girl in the pews, just as a worshiper. The service was lovely, the kids and adults in the praise band were great, and I even saw some new faces. The priest had a great sermon about how God's love surpasses all our challenges and crises, and even joys.

Unfortunately, my personal baggage (which I have to leave to those who already know) prevented me from really getting the message.

This was a test. It confirms that I have to leave "home" for a while in order to heal from the wounds I received there. No community is perfect, so I'm not bashing my church. There are indeed many great, godly people there. These people will remain my friends no matter what. And I hope any other relationships will be open to true reconciliation. My intention is to return home, unless God has other plans. And I have to remember that this is all on God's time, not mine.

So, I will be an itinerant worshiper...for a little while. Blessings to you!

Quick Update

2009-05-29T23:13:00.003-05:00

Met with my friend today. I was reminded of several things, but these stand out the most:

1. I need to be spiritually fed. I can't give what I don't have. To truly be able to serve, I need nourishment and strength.

2. Trust God and take baby steps. I don't have to make a permanent decision until I'm ready.

3. Get my relationship with God right, and the relationships I have with other people will be right.

4. It's OK to crosstrain -- going to different churches to receive what I need.

5. It's OK to give myself time and space to heal.

6. Forgiveness helps me as well as the other person. If I need some space in order to do that, then I need to allow myself to be apart from the person I am to forgive.

I'll share a bit more later.

2009-05-28T22:58:00.004-05:00

I'm meeting with a friend tomorrow to discuss my relationship with my church. It is indeed a conflicted relationship at the moment.

That's all I can write for now. I'm hesitant to unwittingly violate anyone's privacy.

I ask for your prayers. I'm sure that much is OK to post.

Blessings,
E

More on J&K plus 8

2009-05-28T21:40:00.004-05:00

Well, I just read that TLC did provide for counseling. It's the least they could do, for what's been called their "cash cow."

Heard a rumor at work that Jon already asked for a divorce. That would be sad if it's true -- I was hoping they would overcome their problems.

But who am I to talk? Though my husband and I are doing well, we both have several previous relationships between us.

Feel sad for the kids, though.

Life and choice

2009-05-26T23:18:00.004-05:00

"You made me..." Has anyone ever told you that? Yep, it's happened to me.

Just thinking about Jon (as in J&K plus 8) and his quote from his mother. Not that it was originally from her, but worth quoting nonetheless: Life is about choices.

No one "makes" anyone do or say anything. It's all choice.

Even if you had a gun to your head, you'd either choose to comply with the gunman and possibly live, or refuse to comply and likely die. Either way, it's still your choice.

Yep, it's about choices, baby.

Well, here's the first blog about something -- Jon and Kate

2009-05-25T22:11:00.007-05:00

So, how about Jon and Kate (of the reality show, TLC's "Jon and Kate plus 8") tonight? It's sad that each of them said they were there for the kids, but no mention was made of themselves as a couple. (For those of you who are for some reason unfamiliar with this show, here's a link.)

Kate, being the more vocal and forceful of the two, has taken a lot of heat for the potential breakup, but Jon shares a lot of that responsibility as well. Jon was right as he quoted his mom: life is about choices. No one makes us do anything that we do not choose to do. He did make some poor choices, including some of his passive-aggressive behavior on the show.

But also, I think that Jon has allowed Kate to be the head of the family, and Kate -- with the more forceful personality -- took that and ran with it. Jon hasn't been "the man" in that household for some time, and the family has been the worse for it. I guess you can see that I have a traditional view of family here -- fathers are to be the heads of the household, with mothers working closely and supportively alongside them. I really feel for Jon, who seems frustrated by having to be the stay-at-home daddy. I don't think that's a natural role for fathers.

I wish that TLC had offered them some counseling to help them through this rough patch. After all, having the television show made TLC a lot of money while it put Jon and Kate under a tremendous amount of stress. I'm not a J&K basher, but really, how good can any of this be for the kids? I also hope, for the family's sake, that they have saved a lot of the money they got from their show, because it won't go on forever.

I am a fan of "Jon and Kate plus 8". I enjoy seeing the kids grow and their parents deal with them in everyday situations. But maybe enough is enough now, and the family should take some time out of the spotlight to regroup and heal.

My New Blog

2009-05-25T17:18:00.001-05:00

Greetings!
I expect that this blog will cover varied subjects, including ADD, religion, spirituality, relationships and psychology. While I may quote someone or post a video from time to time, mainly this is a forum for me to post my opinion on the above and more.

If you enjoy reading what other people think about things (as I do), then, "Welcome!" I hope to post much and often.

Blessings to you!
E